it was nice. i was in a really good mood today so we spent a lot of time joking around and stuff, and he kept catching himself and trying to steer us back to 'proper' work, but we kept leading ourselves astray again. i think pdoc is so funny, so i love it when we just talk small talk.

but, the run down:
- i am too chicken to ask him why he did not reply to my text, and why he did not call when i didnt show up to the following appt, and why he didnt tell me he was on leave the following week. so those things didnt get addressed.
- i am also too chicken to do trauma work right now. something big happened a few weeks ago (which is why i had sent pdoc the initial txt) but a few week have passed now and i dont want to go into it. pdoc tried to bring it up once or twice but i kept shutting him down.
- i did manage to ask him to promise that he would call me if he decides he hates me. i said it very quickly though when the session was over and we were heading out the door. i didnt want to talk about whys/wherefores etc. i told him it had to be a phone call, or a voicemail or something, and not a letter otherwise i would worry that the letter got lost in the post. he did promise, but i think he found it amusing, so i'm worried he didnt take it seriously. but he said it's an easy promise to make and keep because it's never going to happen and i can't get rid of him that easily. i'm not sure, but i think i'll be ok until next week at least.

otherwise, we talked med talk. i am going to japan over xmas/ny and wanted to go off my meds so i could eat there without worrying, but apparently it takes 4 weeks for the chemicals in my brain to return to base levels, so i would have to be off them for 7 weeks altogether at least. that's really scary for me, given that all of my mega-deep depressions have occurred during summer. but pdoc thinks it could be good because it would give my body a break, and also we could see how much of a protective effect these meds are really having.

the other thing is that i had a really bad interaction a few weeks back and should've gone to hospital but didnt (i ignored early symptoms and had passed out before things were serious enough for me to worry). so pdoc wants me to buy a portable blood pressure monitor, and wear one of those medic-alert bracelets (gross!). he said he could give me some meds to use in an emergency, but because i'm quite small he's worried they would work too well and send me from a hypertensive crisis into a hypotensive one instead. so he really just wants me to be aware of when it's time to go to hospital (by using the bp monitor thingy), and let them medicate me away. how much does that suck.

i'm feeling a bit emo about all this med stuff. this year has been the best i've ever had (after april, when i changed meds), but i'm getting upset that i might go off them, and i'm also getting upset that they might put me in hospital too.