Quote:
Originally Posted by googley
I don't know that I can deal with this. It seems like it is going to be a major topic in T for a while. I barley talked about it and started having flash-backs. No one's ever been there for me. I don't know. I feel awful. But at the same time I don't feel like I deserve to still be bothered by it. I feel like I should just be over it. I don't know how I can ever get through it all and how it has twined itself through every aspect of my life. When will I ever be free of it?
I've never really had time, even with all my T, to really talk about what happened, but it is so hard. I feel like it was a scab that was getting poked at and ripped off. I feel vulnerable and scared. It makes me feel exposed. I hate trusting other people.
I know that I need to deal with this but it is so scary. I just want to hid under my blankets and not have to come out.
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It's hard and scary to do, googley, and that is the absolute truth.
It also means you are working towards feeling safe and strong...well worth every tear you may shed, every fear you battle...and, yes, there will be times of victory and defeat. At some point your times of victory will outnumber the times when you feel defeated.
googley, please try to remember that this is not a race. Stay in the moment and handle just that moment. Slow? Maybe. But if that is the way that is best for you then honor it.
My own experience was it felt like a pustule and there was nasty stuff that needed draining...as it trained the scab started to grow over over, the scab came off, the scar formed then faded.
It became part of who I was and not my identity...perhaps the same will be true of you.
It really does get better...we begin to see the affect on us and can begin to change it so we feel empowered and not helpless.
Time is another four letter word...sometimes that four letter word unleashed other four letter words...I wanted to Be All Right and I Wanted It Right Now. Right Now
Skip all the work in between the start and the healing. I would have given all my gold if I had any so I didn't have to do it so slowly.
You have already shown a great deal of courage, googley. The power within you may not feel available to you right now, but it is there.
In Peace