Just trying to figure things out here... I don't think anyone can really help me out of this, but I'm open to suggestions...

My job, which I've had for the past 4 years, is probably ending my position in November, but no one will tell me for sure one way or the other. I've been playing the great waiting game for a little over a year now. Everything I've been hearing has been based on rumor, conjecture & speculation. When they end my position, I will probably have the option of going back to my old position, which pays about .50c less, but is really hard on my knees. (I was a front desk clerk - 8 hrs. of standing & repetitive motion - my knees have no ligaments & the cartilage is torn up, but I'm afraid to get surgery). I'd like to be able to just quit the damn job, but it's very stable & secure (at least, it would be if not for this merger)... but no one will give me a yes/no answer as to how secure my position will be after November. I feel unable to go out & look for work because for one, our car is dying in the heat, and we're thinking about moving out-of-state once my job here is terminated.

However, I don't feel I can depend on my husband once we move. We've tried to escape Las Vegas twice & had to come back because he refuses to work. I don't feel I can be on my own right now because of finances & convenience (which is the worst trap to fall into). I'm terrified that we'll spend the money to make the move, and I'll be working my *** off & he'll be sitting on his because he can't find a job to fit his finicky work requirements.

I'm also finding out that I am slowly but surely going to have to give up on my idea of becoming a mortician. I can't get the schooling, and once I do get certification, there's no guarantee I'll get work in that line. So I'd be a frycook w/a degree in Mortuary Science. I'd like to start school for something else, just give up & get a degree in accounting or become a CPA - something I abhor but I know I can use in the real world.

The biggest thing I'm dealing with is that I'm 31 1/2 years old, and I have this horrible feeling that I'm running out of time. I feel like I need to do something to move forward with my life before I become completely unhireable... but my husband wants me to wait til we move to Washington to start school. This is what happened when we moved to Louisiana - I would have had to stay in Louisiana a year before I qualified as a resident to be able to enter the mortuary program... and I was making minimum wage while my husband sat around doing nothing. So we had to come back within like, 4 months. I'm afraid that if I wait to do something til we go to Washington, it'll be a repeat. My confidence about dealing with major changes has been seriously shaken up, but I'm tired of being in this rut that I'm stuck in... I can't seem to change myself anymore, which is why I sought therapy - to help me regain the confidence to change myself.

I've been kicking myself in the head for not starting on higher education when I first quit high school - but that's the other problem. I hate school, and there are some classes that I will have to attend in person to get a grasp on, like the math classes, and others that have lab requirements (science & computer work). I always thought if I was going to school for something I honestly wanted, it would be easier but I don't think I'll have that luxury anymore.

Now, everytime me & my husband get into a discussion about moving, my job, what I want to be when I grow up... I end up on the verge of crying. We fight about it about once a week, usually in the car on my way to work, which pisses me off because I can't escape and it makes me start to cry right before I walk in the building - and there is nothing more embarrassing to me than showing up at work w/puffy eyes & a red face & snotty nose.

I know there are people in this world facing incredible loss & hardship, hard finances, bad situations, and they still achieve amazing things, but I can't seem to get on with my life... I don't have it that bad, but I feel rotten inside.

Thanks for letting me whine. Love y'all