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Originally Posted by BlueMoon6
Before I reply, I want to tell you that I printed out your post and am bringing it with me on monday (to therapy). A lot was brought up there for me, that relates to love, desk-t, mothers and what I need. And what I crave and want for my life.
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Wow, let me know how it goes. I'm not trying to make light of this, but something inside me thinks, "hmmm, I wonder if ftt going to think my therapy is weird?"
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Sunny, this is what struck me as so intimate about your relationship with him. He allows you your feelings, knowing they are yours and you can handle your empathy for him- its respect and trust. He trusts you with your feelings and your abilities. He knows you that well. And, he trusts and respects himself and your relationship enough to be able to be "real" with his manic need for some relief. It is intimacy on a deep level where he doesnt have to be therapisty with you.
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Bluemoon, I really like your description.
I think it all fits.
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I have this kind of intuition and relationship with my older daughters. I have worked hard on being that kind of person for them, since they were born. BUT the issue I have worked on in therapy is that I dismiss this realtionship with them as something for MY needs. Can it really be reciprocal? My t disagreed, but my reasoning is this- Even tho they are teenagers, they need me as their mother, it is not the same kind of reciprocal relationship I would have with another adult and I DO NOT want them to be concerned with meeting my needs.
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I think there is some degree of reciprocity, but I don't sit there and count beans (is it 50/50, 40/60, or 20/80?). I am not one to go to my kids and ask for hugs when I am down or expect them to actively meet my needs. I find that without asking them to, by their simple existence, they meet some of my needs. So I don't have a conflict with this. I am not going to them and dumping my problems in their lap and expecting them to console me. I think in a loving relationship, both people get something from it, whether one person is a parent or not. It is not all or nothing. Just because you're a parent, doesn't mean you don't get some needs met in your relationships with your children. Maybe a person can get part of their needs met from their children and part from a romantic partner and part from friends and part from their family of origin. I think if a parent decides they will not let their children help meet their emotional needs (which I believe occurs naturally and is not a sinister thing), then the result will be the parent pulling back from the child and not truly "being there" for them. They will be making the relationship unnecessarily one-sided, and the child will notice. The parent will appear withdrawn and perhaps cold. That's just my hypothesis. I do not want to withdraw from my kids just because I'm afraid I am getting something out of the relationship and a belief that I should not be.
Blumoon, it sounds like you've worked hard on your marriage relationship. That's great. Your H sounds very caring.
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(he isnt so fond of her....go figure )
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Sounds like a great guy!
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I have a huge issue with asking him to meet my needs b/c I am afraid I will "owe" him something for it or he will expect back from me 100 times over. I almost feel like what I ask for, I will be punished for...eventually. It may be accurate, or it may be my imagination.
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Did he tell you if this was accurate or not when you were in couples therapy? Sounds like such a great topic to go over in therapy when you both are there and the T can help manage this very important conversation. It would be hard to never bring this up with him and always have it hanging over your head.
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For example, he can be very busy with work, until late at night, but if he says anything sharp or quick to me, I immediately feel like I have done something wrong, he hates me, Im all alone in this life etc. I want to cry. Most often, it really isnt about me, he is just busy. Or not paying attention to how he sounds.
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This sounds like a very practical issue to work on. I so admire you for talking about all of this with your H and actively trying to work on it.
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I could go on and on about other issues, but when it comes to having the kind of relationship you wrote about with your t, it seems far away. And it isnt just an h issue. It is my issues. Its fear and trust and probably more. Which is why I want to bring your post into ftt. There is a lot there for me to work on.
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Although I've said things like this is a great thing to work on in couples therapy, there is so much about relationships that one can work on individually too, some of it very deep and going back to childhood. I wish that when my H refused to go to marriage counseling with me, that I had gone to marriage counseling for just myself. I didn't know back then that a person could go to individual marriage counseling. I have learned a lot in individual therapy about how to have better relationships and I think even just one person learning some of these things can have a beneficial effect on the marriage.