(Disclaimer: this post might suck the life out of you)

I'm not sure what to say, but I know I must say something. I'm feeling like I'm dying inside; nothing is beautiful anymore, the sun hurts my eyes and it's too hot (when I normally love heat). Normally when I get down, I've always turned to online games and I would just play it out every chance I could to satisfy myself - however that unhealthy coping mechanism is broken. I can't play games anymore, so I have nothing to occupy my mind, I have no energy to start any new projects, and the thought of jumping into old ones makes me cringe as of this moment.
I realized the other night, that I have very little social skills - to the point that I can hardly speak to my own wife and son. I feel like they don't look at me the same way either... I think they see me as a failure too grumpy all the time; My son is too young to talk, so I pick up on subtle changes in his behaviour around me. He's not listening to me anymore when I say no, when he's getting into bad things; this tears at me because all my life a large majority of people have underminded me and it's a true sore spot (among many). I know he's just a child and is experimenting, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still break my heart that he doesn't seem to even want to sit on my lap anymore.
He just started daycare so me and his mom can work at the same time (to pay off looming debts of great amounts - ANOTHER stress), so I'm not taking that well at all.. He's become very whiney now trying to always get his way like the other kids do at the daycare, so the time we actually do spend with him, isn't the most pleasant time anymore for me, with constantly getting frusterated at his new behaviours.
Job hunting isn't going well either, because I've been looking and getting nowhere fast. It's especially hard to try and convince another person that I'm worthy enough to employ, when the crushing weight of this crap is flattening me out.
The reason I'm venting is because the last couple days have been very bad, I'm doing everything that I shouldn't be doing, staying up late, getting up with the baby at 7 am, randomly dozing off on my wife when I actually get to see her when she's not working, I'm eating terribly, once a day and a few snacks here and there, i'm smoking marijuana after the baby is asleep (outside, second hand smoke is bad), and worst of all, for the first time I've had sinking feelings of hopelessness, despair, and the like. Much much worse than I thought I had these feelings before. It leaves me thinking throughout the day and night how I can just... escape everything. I know that someone who is BP is especially prone to following through with suicide, which is why I'm paying attention to the feelings, and thoughts created by them. So far, no bad stuff like that, but when I think of things like "Oh, I just want to disappear, escape, and not suffer anymore", it makes me think that might be bordering on suicidal thought patterns.
The last thing I need is to goto the hospital and have them commit me again, my wife did not handle that last episode of mania well at all, and has mentioned that we can't afford another hospitalization financially, or emotionally.

Thanks for listening, I need somewhere to vent, sorry for the pollution.