the best parenting information I got was through a parenting class called Love and Logic. There are books out that discribe this method. Basically it is having the kid take responsibility for the behavior. I have been doing love and logic for years and have never had to "disipline" my children because the disipline is built into the consquences of the action. The man who tought the class I went too actually is a foster father to troubled teens. He swears by it. Says that it works even when the kids don't give a s**t about you. I believe him. The hardest part is stepping back and not letting your emotions stop the natural consequences to happen. Also stepping back and saying "what you just did really bothers me, I need to think awhile about what I will do next." Then you can take your time to think of what natural consequences should logically be this can really make a kid squirm. He blows snot on his wall and trashes his room, well one he has to live with it and until he learns to take care of his stuff he gets no stuff. Period. No clothes, no games, nothing. Why should you as a parent pay for something he is going to trash. It makes no economic sense. Don't tell him this, just wait until he asks for something. Then calmly say "sorry hun, I love you, and would love to buy that for you but in good conscience I don't think it is a wise way to spend our money right now. I will be more then happy to get it for you when you learn to take care of the things you have right now." It is not saying he can't have it. In fact you would love for him to have it. But he has to take responisbility for his behavior. He will rant and rave at you. "I understand you are upset. That makes me sad but really right now I don't think it would be financially sound us to buy it for you. We will save that money for when you will be able to take proper care of it." He will rant some more. "yes I understand how you feel. I would feel the same way but....." he rants some more and you get tired of hearing it. "honey you are really getting into my space and taking up my time. When you do this your life can become extremely uncomfortable." Don't tell him why his life will become uncomfortable just that it will. If neccessary repeat this line. It won't take him long to get bored, to stomp off in frustration and slam a few doors. Ignore it.

That is just a sample of Love and Logic. Read the book it is an incredible system.
Zen

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The path is narrow to the right madness. Be wary of trembling in the wrong places! The demons often disguise themselves as gods. And vice versa.--Sam Keen