TRIGGER!!! The S word... TRIGGER!!! ... GRAFFIC!!!

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Thank God is wasn't a family member or a friend... just an aquaintance and neighbor.

One of my neighbors right across the street had been missing since Monday. Some were concerned and left phone messages, beat on his door, etc. My husband was one that knocked on his door and tried to look through windows. He talked to management about the missing man. Management said they would wait 48 hrs and would then make a report if the missing man didn't turn up. Some neighbors got together and one realized it had been four days since he had seen any movement at the house in question. A call was made to the police dept and they came out with ambulance and fire truck. Eventually, they popped open the door and what some of us feared became reality. It wasn't a natural death.

WARNING!!!!

The man was neither friend nor foe... but the tragic way his life ended and the reasons are beyond my comprehension. The mess he left behind... emotional, mental and physical ... I can't wrap my brain around it! I can't erase from my mind the smell and what was missing when they carried him out in a body bag!!

It was so obvious what he had done to himself... never mind the police, detectives and ME doing their investigations and finding the 9 mm slug in his arch enemy's carport. Not that I believe it was murder, but just the same. The man and his arch enemy lived next door to each other. The arch enemy was heard to have said "Well, thank goodness, that's one less problem for me." OMG!!! How can anyone be so cold!!!

I thoroughly dislike the "arch enemy" and this didn't help matters any with MY problems with him!! I know that *I* am another one of his "problems." Not that I cause any, but it's that he's constantly causing them for ME!! I know that hate is a strong emotion and for the most part, a waste of time and energy... but for right now, I have determined that I am going to HATE the "arch enemy."

How do I handle my hate for this idiot and at the same time handle what can possibly be PTSD?? Regardless of what I thought of the dead man, it's a loss of life! This man touched other people's lives! He was given the resources he needed to handle the problems he was having... and yet, he chose to end his life!!! WHY???? He had those he could have reached out to, he had ways out of the problems he had!!!

How can anyone feel so hopeless over what seems to the rest of us a completely solvable problems???

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

He was a soft spoken, gentle man even if he did have some strange ideas. One neighbor even says that he was FUN!

How can someone have such bitter emotions toward another person that never really did anything to HURT him??

I've had my nose is a jar of essential oil trying to get rid of the memory of the smell coming out of his house! Why did they open all the doors and windows to let that smell out into the neighborhood?? Weren't they thinking what it would do to the rest of us??? GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Another person was concerned about the dead man's yard and who was going to care for it!! OMG!!! It's a patch of weeds as it is!!!! A man had just taken his own life!! Who gives a damn about a patch of weeds????

I want to be somewhere else!!! I hate it that I'm drawn to my window just to stare at his house and expect to see him going out to his car! He was ALWAYS, several times a day, going somewhere!! Why didn't he consolidate his trips, for pete's sake????

WHY???? WHY???? WHY???? STUPID!!!! STUPID!!!! STUPID!!!! NOTHING IS WORTH BLOWING YOUR HEAD OFF FOR!!!!!!!!!!

What is grief counseling? Do they help virtual strangers get over the shock of someone doing such a horrible thing to themselves?? How do you justify it?? CAN you justify it?? How do you shut up the cold hearted beast that drops insults about a dead man at the drop of a hat?? How do you remove him from your midst??? How do you NOT gloat when you see his lights on all through the night and his front door open??? You know he's freaking and YOU LOVE IT!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!