I know this sounds terrible, but I wish my mother and stepfather would hurry up and die. I am so tired of their disappointment with me. I am 48 years old and for once would like to be on the planet without feeling ashamed about not measuring up to their expectations.

Don't get me wrong; I don't want them to suffer or be hurt. I don't want anything bad to happen to them.

I just feel like they -- especially my mother -- are always in my head, always judging me. I'm too old to feel so bad about what they think of me! I figure that once they are dead, I won't have to feel so guilty and ashamed for not having turned out to be a success, like my siblings. I am the only failure in a family of over acheivers.

I mentioned this to a friend who cautioned me about possibly feeling guilty about my wish when my parents do die. I'm not too worried about this.

I just want to be FREE, for once, from their low opinions of me. As long as they live, they will look down on me. Is it wrong of me to want this to end?

Maybe it is unrealistic of me to think that I'll feel better about myself without them around to look down on me. But I can't help it.

I imagine a world where I no longer have to feel so bad about disappointing them, because they no longer exist. Without them seeing me as such a loser, maybe I won't feel like such a loser. At least they wouldn't be around to actively contribute to my feelings of failure and low self-esteem.

Is this wrong of me? Has anyone out there ever been relieved when their parents died?

I'm posting this in the Relationships forum; hope its the right one. Thanks--