I know it must be so complicated. I would wonder if you could try a contract with yourself for 3 months of no contact and acceptance of the harm he caused you. Journaling, therapy, confiding in loved ones. Bring the secret out. It is not your shame it is his. If you can succeed in the contract for three months try three more and this time write him about all of the hurtful things he did and hold it and look at it and know it. You can rip it up or mail it. It's up to you. You do not need his kind of "love" you need to feel safe and respected and appreciated. Good luck dear one.