Eskielover

Checking in again ... thanks for your comments and thoughts on all of this. I have to agree that the ptsd doesn't go away. i've buried it for years, sometimes more successfuly than at other times. Even when I'm acting normal, the rage is just under the skin.

Now I find that kindness evokes emotions that are out of the ordinary. Kindness from one person to another brings tears. Kindness for me almost brings a panic.

After chatting here in PC about all of these things I thought I'd just try revealing just a little about childhood experiences and a glimpse of combat to someone who really considers me to be a friend.

They were "understanding." They did not hate me. They actually offered a listening ear in the future if I needed it (lol, if I need it). But when it was all over, after I was away from there, I almost panicked over having told these things. I emailed back and told the friend that chances were highly unlikely that I'd need to discuss any of it ever again ... and i dropped out of the group where we had become "friends."

Within the next few weeks I'll have a chance to tell my VA doc about ptsd. After years of answering VA medical interview questions with lies and avoiding the diagnosis of PTSD, I'd be asking for help if I bring this up. I don't even know how to approach the subject.

Do I just say I want to be evaluated for PTSD? What if she asks why I think that? What if I cannot even speak about it? What if I just break into tears? What if I panic? What if she refers me to a shrink and then i don't have nerve enough to keep the appointment? How do i tell my family that I have the appointment?

I don't know if I have the courage to even admit that I need help. It's one thing to tell it in this anonymous forum, but quite another to tell someone in person. The comment about the shrink waiting for me to talk ... whew... that's even scarier than thinking they'll ask questions. My experience with military shrinks has been one of using them to get people discharged, not one of finding help. I don't trust any shrink, mil or civilian. My impression is that they'll want to hold my brain in their hands and manipulate me.

I don't know if I have the courage to go to the shrink that the doc will refer me to. Even as i write this, i find myself just shaking my head. no. I can't do it. I can't sit with someone face to face and tell of these horrors. I can't tell them of what these feelings have caused me to do. I can't tell the thoughts that run through my mind.

People know me as a nice guy ... if they only knew who I really am.

Intellectually, I know that I need help ... emotionally, I can't do it. i don't know if ptsd gets worse with age, but after a few years of extreme symptoms it all calmed down. Now, it's popping up from many directions. I feel like such a hypocrite, a liar, a poser.

Apologies for the rambling

T.