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Originally Posted by sunrise
Wow, let me know how it goes. I'm not trying to make light of this, but something inside me thinks, "hmmm, I wonder if ftt going to think my therapy is weird?"
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Its interesting that you said that, personally, I dont think there is anything at all there that is weird. It is a really lovely story about empathy and the depth of your relationship. If you dont want me to read it there, I wont
I love the post, I really do, it so touched me and brought up so much. I also have difficulty seeing that kind of intimacy as a possibility for me, because of my fears or.... because of ??? Not sure. Thats what I want to bring up. If you dont want me to, I dont have to...I can sort of paraphrase in my own words
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I think there is some degree of reciprocity, but I don't sit there and count beans (is it 50/50, 40/60, or 20/80?). I am not one to go to my kids and ask for hugs when I am down or expect them to actively meet my needs. I find that without asking them to, by their simple existence, they meet some of my needs. So I don't have a conflict with this.
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That is how I feel as well. My children are a miracle and it is a miracle I got married in the first place. I worked so hard on myself in my younger years. For me, having no family or anyone, I am relieved that when they grow up they will (hopefully) have each other, have some kind of relationship including cousins etc. I wanted to create what I never had and could only, literally, imagine.
Dt suggested to me that I ask them for hugs when I am down, I have sort of been uncomfortable with that. They would always give me a hug, but when I am obviously down? Or not to seem down, seem up, and ask for a hug? Doesnt sit right with me.
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I am not going to them and dumping my problems in their lap and expecting them to console me. I think in a loving relationship, both people get something from it, whether one person is a parent or not. It is not all or nothing. Just because you're a parent, doesn't mean you don't get some needs met in your relationships with your children. Maybe a person can get part of their needs met from their children and part from a romantic partner and part from friends and part from their family of origin. I think if a parent decides they will not let their children help meet their emotional needs (which I believe occurs naturally and is not a sinister thing), then the result will be the parent pulling back from the child and not truly "being there" for them. They will be making the relationship unnecessarily one-sided, and the child will notice. The parent will appear withdrawn and perhaps cold. That's just my hypothesis. I do not want to withdraw from my kids just because I'm afraid I am getting something out of the relationship and a belief that I should not be.
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I see what you mean. I agree. Hmmm. I am very much not seen by my kids as cold and distant, I am probably, not in a conscious way, allowing them to meet my needs in the course of our natural interactions during the day/evening. Like when we chat making dinner, during homework time or special time chatting together. Or even in the car driving. Im saying this b/c I like the way you put it, that my children do meet my emotional needs in some way (and that it isnt a sinister thing) and our relationship isnt one-sided. At least I dont see it that way. Maybe my question is about those times when I an really not feeling well (emotionally) and I just dont feel right going to them to ask for....soothing? Reassurance? Whatever it might be. Maybe in some small way, asking for a hug from them at those moments isnt so bad. I would certianly not be dumping my thoughts onto them either, tho.
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Blumoon, it sounds like you've worked hard on your marriage relationship. That's great. Your H sounds very caring.
Sounds like a great guy!
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He can be. I can complain and complain, but much of the blame for difficulties we have rest on me and my fears. I could do a lot more to trust him. And see him for who is, as opposed to who I want him to be.
He has a nice intuitiveness about him, too. About me and when to back off. And it was the same with dt. He said some things about her that it took me a real long time to notice and figure out. He confirmed a lot of the things I was suspecting about her. He thinks she is thinking about herself and her own issues as opposed to what he (or I) is talking about. He thought she was intelligent and intuitive as well. But burnt out.
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Did he tell you if this was accurate or not when you were in couples therapy? Sounds like such a great topic to go over in therapy when you both are there and the T can help manage this very important conversation. It would be hard to never bring this up with him and always have it hanging over your head.
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This was about owing him something if I ask him to meetmy needs. I didnt bring up a lot of things. I think we didnt get that far. You know what, I didnt trust dt in some ways when we were in couples therapy with her. I did tell her at one point I wanted her to be more actively involved in the conversation instead of listening so much. She didnt do it though. She was on my side, but I think she had this image of my h that he would walk out, get defensive, or shut down with too much pushing. He wouldnt. He might get defensive at first, but he would definitley be willing to listen given a little time. He has to process a little before he changes his mind. But he does change course if he sees that he should. Im not with dt and I havent brought up couples therapy with ftt. So, we arent doing any work now. I wonder what he would say if I told him that about me owing him something without a therapist there. I can try and see what he says.
I think that issue goes deeper than a single convo I can have with him though.
[quoteThis sounds like a very practical issue to work on. I so admire you for talking about all of this with your H and actively trying to work on it.[/quote]
We have talked about me feeling dismissed and unloved if he is busy and sharp with me. That came up with dt a couple of times. He isnt as sharp, but he can get busy and I am more likely to not be so concerned with me and my emotions and noticing that HE is busy and stressed. The issue gets fuzzy when I am overwhelmed in the house, especially at dinner, homework and bedtime with all of my kids and he is busy and strressed with work. I need help in the house with everything and he cant help me. I get annoyed at him for not giving the family time at that hour. I expect time from him when, possibly he cant givie it. Or he just needs to organize his time differently. It can get real crazy here, especially if the little ones get cranky, dont cooperate and are having meltdown while the other kids need quiet for homework and piano. OK- I can go and on....
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Although I've said things like this is a great thing to work on in couples therapy, there is so much about relationships that one can work on individually too, some of it very deep and going back to childhood. I wish that when my H refused to go to marriage counseling with me, that I had gone to marriage counseling for just myself. I didn't know back then that a person could go to individual marriage counseling. I have learned a lot in individual therapy about how to have better relationships and I think even just one person learning some of these things can have a beneficial effect on the marriage.
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I agree. It strikes me, Sunny, how fortunate the next person you choose will be. You have so much to give and so much to express. Empathy and the ability to listen and truly hear another person the way you do is rare indeed. I think how sad it is for your ex to have a this lovely gem in his life and to throw that away. Do you think about moving on? (Sorry if this is this too personal....)