sleeping pill taken earlier didn't work as expected
no sleep, defenses came crashing down
tears
not welcomed, stopped not
couldn't do the John Wayne thing
again
I do not want to do this again
refrains of it will get better, you'll make it
inch at a time, baby steps, 10 minutes if necessary
don't mean a thing right now

furiously used the super glue on my mask
son in town, unexpected invite to favorite restaurant
downtown, right in the middle of
Military Appreciation Day
kids happily hanging onto Daddy
wives on edge, afraid to relax
they know it won't last, this time together
some mommas and poppas
poppas solemn, mommas "oh isn't this nice?!"
black caps, sewn badges, hard eyes
Welcome Home Brother, Welcome Home Sister
super glue held
be nice if it would hold me together
'cause I'm falling apart
again and I don't want to do this again
once should be enough
will once ever be enough?

choked the food down, refused the free drink
thank you ma'am, son smiling
how did they know...
ah the old worn jacket, patches
thrown on against the chill and wind
didn't warm my heart, gut, spirit,
felt too heavy, back way back in the closet now

which one of them will come home?
the one with the two kids...their mother..will she return and raise them?
the skinny one with the proud parents who will accept the flag? in honor of his service said once, echoes through the years?

maybe I should move away from this place
cowardly act so no I won't go yet

Evening At The ER
no one would believe
the chaos ordered and not ordered
patient sick, loved one pissed at the delay
the choppers came in, the ambulances came in
macabre graceful dance of the triage
you be bad, you can wait, you dead,
WTF are you doing here with your snotty nose? go home

so tired and rest is around the largest corner designed by a sadistic architect
and
of all things, after all these years
Stephen
no illusions of what might have been
memories of what was...
times of profound belonging...to him...his family loving me
of all things, after all these years
Stephen

I didn't fall into any abyss nor did I slide into one
I Blinked

forget the cracks, I do not give a FF about light getting in

"some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength, but there are times in life when it takes much more strength to just let go'
~~unknown~~

letting go does not mean giving up/giving in
perhaps it means it's really all right
to cry
to be angry
to Not Feel Guilt/Shame
to say FO
walk through the leaves and mourn
have a witch of a headache from crying
watch the tiny trapeze artist and be jealous
of his fearless habits and courage.
Chickadees and Chihuahuas have something in common
they aren't afraid of bigger things than themselves
because they don't accept anyone's perception of their size.

The Soul Would Have No Rainbow If The Eyes Had No Tears
~~Lakota Proverb~~