CAUTION: may be a trigger for some.


My name is Allan. I am a recovering Alcoholic/Addict. I first started using when I was 13 years old. Now am 47. I started off with using alcohol to try and make my own world because I did not like the way my life was going. My father was a Police Officer during most of my younger life. Maybe I started using to rebel against him. I am not sure. Like I said, I started off with alcohol but soon found out it was not doing what I wanted it to. Still my world was the same way. I moved on to pot and acid. This helped out some but like everything else, it soon was not doing the job. I then moved on to cocain. This all was going on until I turned 18. When I turned 18 I thought that now that I was of legal age to drink it would be Ok. My troubles really started bad then. I was sent to many treatment centers for help with my addictions. I was first told I was an alcoholic when I was 17. I thought they were nuts and did not believe them, in denial. In all of the treatment centers I did just like they asked and you might say, played their little game and then got out. I was clean for just a little bit and then went back to using. My alcohol consumption was getting higher and higher all the time now. I would drink for days and not want to sober up. I did not want to feel that terrible feeling of getting sober and the guilt I knew I was going to feel. I was married for about 14 years and have 2 children. They went through a life that no one should have to go through. My ex-wife, even today, after about 12 years of divorce still cannot stand to be around me. I understand that. But things have been able to work out with my 2 kids. It took time though and for them to see that I was a different person.
I would get clean for awhile and then go back to using. On and off. Just felt like I could not get the monkey off my back. About 8 years ago I started using the worst. I was shooting up anything I could. I was hooked on meth for about a year or so. I did not see any difference in myself but others could, just by looking at how I was. I got off of meth and thought I was doing Ok and then WHAM, it hit me again. I was lost and did not know what else to try. I went to heroin. Me and a so called “friend” were shooting it up every time we could. We were totally junkies. We would wait about 2 hours between shooting up. Not that it did any good but we just wanted life to go away. He use to be an EMT years before that. One night I was so wasted that I was not even able to shoot myself up as my eyes could not focus and my hands could not stop shaking. I asked if he would do it. He did. When the needle had went into my arm and started going into my veins, that is all I remember. The next thing I knew I was on the floor with him above me giving me CPR. I guess I had just had to much and my heart had stopped and I feel over. He was able to bring me bak and wanted me to go to the ER for help. I said I wasn’t going to with all of the drugs in me. I layed down for about 1 hour and then got up and said, “lets keep going, and we did. My life was almost gone at this time. I had tried AA and NA over the years and did not seem to work for me. Maybe because I was not ready to stop.. I had Mental Illness problems before all of this started and it just became worse. Then, for some reason, I decided this was ENOUGH. I went cold turkey. I had went cold turkey on all the other drugs and booze I was on but going cold turkey off heroin was terrible. After going through a time I would not wish on my worst enemy, I finally went to my Dr. and told her what I had done and all I went through. She told me I could have died by doing it on my own. I told her that I had started it on my own and was going to kick it on my own. What a nightmare it was though. I still today remember what all it was like going through the withdrawls. That was a little over 4 years ago now and I am clean and sober still, one day at a time. I have found out what things have helped me to keep clean. One, is to never forget your last use and what it was like to go through the withdrawls. Two, to reach out to others who are still suffering and do what I can to try and help them. I feel by trying to help others you are helping yourself too. Yes, I am clean right now, but like all of us addicts, I am only one drink, one use away from being right back there again. Even my worst day today is better than my best day when using

Allan in Recovery