Last Monday, I had an emergency session with my T...and we got to the root of the overwhelming meltdowns I was having. I didn't know where it was all coming from - but originally attributed it to my freezer being unplugged and losing all the food, having to shell out $$$ unexpectedly, etc. But the reality was that I was angry and upset at my now ex-husband because I had learned on the night of our divorce last week that he was somewhat unfaithful to me while we were married.

On Tuesday, I had group therapy, and I didn't address any of it. I participated, but more as a supporter of others who spoke of issues going on in their lives and how we reacted to each other.

On Thursday, I saw my T again for my regular weekly session, and he said that I just learned something pretty awful in the last week and that he wasn't sure I did enough with it to not have it still impact me significantly. I told him I didn't know what to do with it. He said, "Well, I was hoping you would've brought it up in group".....



He feels that could be a start....

Well, I don't think I feel comfortable enough to have my wrecked life be the topic of conversation in a human laboratory.

I have group again on Tuesday, and I'm sure my T will be hoping that I bring it up...But I don't know if I want to go there.

I also know I need to bring myself to start delving into trauma work. I had a severe migraine, vomiting, extreme nausea all last week - and T feels that this could be psychological but could also be medical. And he said that there's not much he can do for me if I don't purge what I am holding onto. He also said that the need to do it will be stronger than my wanting to or readiness to.

Ugh. WHY am I holding back??!?!!? Intellectually, I know T is there to help me with these issues...yet when I am in his office, it's as if I disengage from the painful issues and would much rather talk about day to day chaos than the real issues. At $80 per session, you would think I'd make better use of those dollars.