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Elysium · Oct 26, 2009, 02:25 AM

Yeah...guilty!!

I just moved in with this nice lady, into her 4 bdrm house two weeks ago. She is renting me two rooms out for a decent price. I had every intention to stay here, but I am now having the most difficult time not having a place of my own.

It is soooo hard for me to live in someone elses home. I can't really explain it....or maybe I can, but I'm not sure it's fair. When I was younger...my father would always make it well known that my brother and I had nothing. His favorite thing to say to us was "that isn't your room...it's mine. I just let you live here." As I got older and moved on my own...I have had a really hard time sharing my space.

Part of it is I have trouble being around other people's mess/dirt. Now I am not a clean freak. I leave my dishes in the sink for a day or two...I hate dusting...I vacuum only when someone is coming to visit and I leave my sweaters/coats lying around. But, I'm not a slob either. But dealing with other's mess/dirt...even if it is not awful...just makes me cringe.

I hate living in someone elses house too. I feel like a constant visitor that can't leave. I feel, again as I did as a child. Like I have no place in this world that is just mine.

So...I found an inexpensive, nice apartment that I decided I was going to rent and am planning to move in about three weeks. My landlord/room mate is in L.A. on business and will be back tomorrow morning. I know it's not fair for me to move in and out within a month...but I need to get out of here. I hate it here and it's very uncomfortable for me.

Soooooo, I applied for the apartment on Friday, thinking I could speak with my room mate when she got home from her trip. Well....the rental agency called her yesterday for a reference.......

She sent me a text message asking me what to say...I told her to tell them I had only been with her for a short time and then tell them whatever she thought was appropriate. She then proceeded to text me about 5 times and call and leave a frantic voicemail on my phone. I apologized for her finding out that way and let her know that I had wanted to speak with her first...but now she's pissed!! I can understand why....I am just scared now because I do not want conflict with this person.

I wasn't expecting it to be this hard for me to be someone elses room mate....in someone elses house. I hate it. But now I am feeling very guilty for needing to move. I didn't expect this!! It wasn't in the plan....but I don't know who is right here?

Should I feel like a biotch for moving in and moving out so soon....or should I feel like it shouldn't bother me. We never signed a lease or agreement for how long I'd stay.

I just don't know. All I do know is as guilty as I feel....I need to get out of here. It's been reeking havoc on my anxiety. I'm beginning to think they are spying on me and getting into my things. I can't prove it...but little things are starting to happen. It's probably just me moving things around. I do this some times...and I am probably just focusing on it more now because I feel like I am trapped in a place where I can not be who I am.

I miss my privacy!! I long for it!!

Am I the worst person ever....or do I have a right to get myself to a place where I can live comfortably?