FZ, Tree and Rainbow. I'll start off saying thank you for the Hugs thread, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing the digression there. In a figurative way, I see this issue for me about hugs, about closeness and love. The hug posts before were the catalyst for what came up for me.
I am speechless, utterly speechless reading the responses I got there today. I thought I might bring it to a new thread about what happened today.
What you wrote to me FZ is what is at the core of me. It makes me want to cry and cry and cry. Well, it is apparent that I am bpd, and my feelings for dt are often black and white. Maybe its good that you hadnt read my previous posts about her. You are getting a fresh look at where I am now. I love her, I am afraid of her, I want her, I want her to be something for me that she cannot be and it hurts me to my soul. It hurts so bad.
I had my session today, it was about dt and about my mother and about Sunny's post about her therapist.
I began telling ftt about food issues, that I had some physical probs assoc with not eating enough and it forced me to increase fluids and eat some more. I left 110 behind and am now 114. It is HUGE for me and it brings up a lot of feelings, all momm-related, that I am not good enough even to sit and talk with her. She did point out that I have enough healing to do what I need to do to take care of myself. And I look better, too.
We moved on to desk-t. And my love for her and obsessively missing her. How much I try and try and want her to be the kind of therapist that cares for and loves me. We talked some about some childhood things I used to do to soothe myself that actually hurt the little girl I was and how that hurting made me feel "better." How I hid from my mother's rages. We talked a lot about my fantasy life, my dolls and the world I lived in to protect myself from her and my feelings. I knew it was going to be difficult, but I read Sunny's post about her t to ftt. I couldnt even start reading without crying. I was crying hard and reading it anyway. Im tearing up typing here in Starbucks. The pain and aloneness makes my body hurt. I crave that kind of love from dt, I wanted her to be that way with me, I wanted to be either Sunny's t and have her care for me, or I wanted to be Sunny and have dt know the kind of empathy and caring I have for her. I want SOMEONE to have that kind of empathy for me. At times my h does, but I am afraid of it. I wanted it from my mother, who was mentally ill (according to ftt) and could not, no matter what I tried to do, Id try this, Id try that, Id try to find the one thing, the something that would reach her, Id try to be this or that kind of a child, good, bad or out of her way. Then I would get overwhelmingly frustrated at my inabilithy to find the clue as to what would make her love me. There was no clue, she couldnt do it. My mother often said she didnt want to be a mother. I denied I ever heard that some out of her.I thought she was kidding. She wasnt kidding. She didnt want to be my mother. Even as a child, I hurt myself in very sad ways. Ftt said it was ptsd in the way I described my memories of what I did and what my mother did to me when she was in a rage. It was as if I was in a movie watching someone else.
We talked a lot about Sunny's post, details that had so much meaning for me, as I played different parts in the story. I was Sunny, I was her t. I could not stop crying. And then dt was Sunny's t. I could not get it that dt is not who I want her to be. I want very badly for her to share something of herself, to not have that huge barrier in the way, we talked a great deal about her desk between her and her patients and why it might be there. I cannot let go of her as the perfect therapist, why is she doing this to me? I NEED to idealize her. How could she not know? I know she cares about me, how can she not be able to show it, how could she not have the insight into her own behavior that I want her to have? I love her, please love me back, dt.
When Sunny said she and (figuratively) kissed and made up, I want to kiss and make up with dt. This all brought up who dt truly is, and it makes me so sad. Although is smart, experienced and has been a t for almost 30 yrs and has the science of therapy down, she does not have the art of being a therapist. She needs the barrier, she needs the distance from her patients and it triggers the need for my mother in me. It is almost (almost) impossible for me to see that dt cannot be the mommy I need, but ftt explained it so gently and so carefully to me that in the way my mother couldnt be my mother, dt cannot be and would not be (in a closure session) the mommy I want. She will never be able to open herself with me the way Sunny's t could. We talked a lot about Sunny's t ability to say the things he did to Sunny. The post speaks volumes about his abilities (and Sunny's
) and his process, and, to me, it is a sharp contrast to dt's lack of ability to be intimate. And my craving for intimacy. And my yearning to make a distant mommy the mommy I want her to be.
Ftt said it is time for me to write another letter to dt. I think ftt is very insightful in that she told me to be prepared that this letter may not be as full of incidences, anger or diappointments, but more feelings. Feelings I had toward my mother.
As far as connecting dt's behavior to something with my mother, I remembered an incident, but it was more of a trauma incident than a wanting of her. I can see how a child might feel that way, but still no connection of feelings to my actual mother. It seems I shut down fromher very, very young. The feelings I have are for dt. They are intense and become more intense as I talk about her and them. I have less of a desire to go see her now. I know (cognitively) that the closer I came to her, it is possible that she was not able to deal with her countertransference issues and she pulled back. But ftt said we can only speculate about her reasons for saying and doing what she did. But chances are, she wont be any different if I go in to see her again. This is a sad, sad and difficult thing for me to believe. It makes me so deeply sad.
FZ- I will read, read, and re-read 1oo times your post about "centering." I read it through once and became speechless and teary-eyed. When I talk about my bpd issues, it brings up the approach that dt had with me, but she never went as far as giving me hope the way your post did. How I can center and ground myself. I was so struck by your story about your gf. And your caring for her and her struggles. It is this kind of understanding and care that I crave. And I have a rich source of it right in my own home, but my fear holds me back, not completely back, but I feel somewhat....restrained. Will I be loved back if I am so open?
I could go on and on....sorry this is so long.
Thanks all
