I guess I'm posting this in Psychotherapy becasue I feel most comfortable here, and also, because I have T in a little while... and I'm feeling hopeless about that.

One week ago, Luvox CR was added to my existing cocktail of Lamictal and Klonopin, with the hopes that it will decrease my depression and obsessive thoughts. It has taken all of my energy and sucked it into some weird medication vacuum. On Saturday and Sunday, I slept 12 hours each night. During the day, I barely have the energy to move. This is from the depression and the new med combined, but definitely more from the med. But I am sticking with it for awhile.

In ten years, I have only had small periods of relief. The longest and most genuine period of relief occurred this year. It was wonderful, and it even occurred during grief-- so I knew it was real-- because there are definite distinctions between depressive epsiodes and grief.

Then the depression came back.

When the depression talks it says:

I am such a hopeless depressive case that even meds that helped me for a little while eventually stop working.

I am such a hopeless depressive case that 19 other meds couldn't help me at all.

There is nothing anyone can do. Pdoc doesn't have a magic wand. I have learned so much from therapy, and I have made so many significant changes... but depression lingers. There is nothing that can be done about this.

I am completely worthless. I am too sick to do my job.

I have nothing to say in therapy. I don't even have the energy to conjure up something to say. That takes too much effort.

This is the rest of my life? Yes, this is the rest of my life.

When my depression talks, I am in it. I cannot step outside of it to hear anything else.