That right there is a very good reason for you to be out of the workforce. You're sick, Berries, and there's nothing you did or are currently doing to cause it, it just happened to you. You are NOT lazy, you're legitimately afflicted with a highly debilitating illness. You are NOT a coward, you are simply so affected in your moods and thoughts that it would be impossible for you to function at the same level as everyone else. It's not fair and it's terrible that someone as wonderful as you is so ill, but it is not your fault and there is nothing you can do to help it. You have a disability, but it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!

I think that volunteering is a wonderful idea, if you're up to it. Firstly, you can find projects that you actually enjoy, that you can fit around your schedule and that you can be entirely comfortable doing. You are unlikely to find that with a paid job. Plus, in volunteering there's usually a lot less stress -- you don't have to worry about deadlines or getting fired. On top of that, you get to feel good knowing that you're making a real difference in the world. You're getting a fulfilment a lot of people unfortunately don't get out of their paid jobs. When you volunteer, it's because you WANT to, and it's so much more rewarding than the things you HAVE to do, isn't it?

I'm pretty sure you're bipolar, right? Stephen Fry, who's a big British actor/comedian, recently made a documentary explaining his battle with manic depression, and how it's affected his life as well as interviewing a whole bunch of other people on how it's affected theirs. It's called The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive, and I think it would be good for you to watch so you can see how other people cope with the illness and how it affects their working lives. If you look up "The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive" on youtube, you can actually find the whole thing there. I just have straight depression, but I can relate to so much of what he says and it's given me a whole new outlook on my own mental health. I've actually seen it twice now, and it's really good!

Sending lots of hugs.