You're in severe pain....you want it to end....but you and I both know that medicating yourself does no good....And it sounds like the "love of your life" might just have the same issues.....Get some substance abuse counseling.....Work on loving yourself.....(You're So Worth It)...and then....you'll be ready for someone else to love.....Your sensitivity and concern for others shine through your pain......Hang In There.....Take Care Of You First....it will fall into place w/others after....

Grace