Jen,

It sounds like you have been battling for so long that you are suffering what I call "spiritual fatigue", a feeling of futility, despair, longing and homesickness.

The thing with this is, it is a huge turning point in your recovery and healing. It means that your mind is seeking meaning, not just in life but in spirit as well. I call this period of time "existential angst"......the "what is life all about?", "is this all there is?", "what do I mean and where do I fit in"?

Let me tell you, it is extremely painful, and exhilarating at the same time......for you are on the cusp of FREEDOM. No matter how long it takes to find the way, KNOW that you are on the right path, your mind is healing and asking the big questions, which means curiosity, which leads to answers.....they will come when you are ready to receive them.

This might sound like a whole bunch of kaffooey, but it sounds very similar to what I went through at 30 and I had a lengthy psych hopsital admission at the end of 2007 at the age of 34. So much intense grief and pain I didn't think I would stand it. I also have chronic health issues as well but did not have the dx then. I was misdx as bipolar and medicated for it. It has since been retracted and off all meds. I still deal with the grief sometimes but it is getting easier........I worked at returning to spirit.......and that can be done many ways.....

I know you feel awful, but do not fear. Most people, even ones who do not suffer depression, go through a mini crisis at 30("I don't have enough money, I am not good enough at/hate my job, I can't keep the house clean, I look older, I am not a good enough parent/wife/lover and so on and on). Add chronic depression to the mix, and no wonder it feels terrible and bottomless.......this is a good thing long term, for you shall prevail. It is ALWAYS worth it babe......you are on the precipice of greatness.....embrace the uncertainty and forgive yourself for the times that you can't. No fear.......

Be very, very kind to yourself.......the Universe is waiting for you to return......time has no meaning, it will happen when it is meant to. Know that you are loved and work on loving yourself......unconditionally......love because you can......despite the darkness.......you are very, very important......do what you can do to be safe, to return to spirit.

Take good care babe.......right here with you.....you can do it!!

“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”Taoist quote

In stillness,

Michah