Since my uncle passed away over a month ago, my head has been everywhere. Things have gotten better and then somewhat worse and better etc.
What I have noticed is...the intense anxiety I experienced the week after the funeral..subsided after a little over a week. Then I had a really good week, followed by another period of a less intense anxiety/semi depression...then another good week..followed by another week of more so depression and much less anxiety. I then had another decent week..the anxiety has been pretty much gone, but I will still feel periods of depression.
I do go to school as a full time student (although my head has not been in this semester) and I do work part time as well. I consider myself an above average looking person, and am pretty well spoken. I wouldn't consider myself socially awkward or have anything physically wrong with me. I have a decent group of friends and we go to clubs and what not and have a good time. I have good parents who have done their best to support me. I started talking to a psychologist shortly after this **** started. I feel as though it does help, somewhat...but these feelings seem to be things you really personally have to overcome, even though others can help..again, somewhat.
So yes, things have seemed to gradually get better..especially in terms of anxiety, as I haven't had any real full blown anxiety attacks in weeks. But it seems like depression has creeped on me again. My depression is really based on just generalized guilt. If it makes sense, I will feel almost overwhelming guilt...just generally. I will then feel depressed because of it and will lead me into a train of thought and emotion in which I will feel damaged per say. I will feel like I am not normal...feel guilty and question my morals...I will feel damaged and as if I will never get out of this. I will start to feel different from others so to speak...I really can't truly explain it. It is a feeling..and a feeling needs to be felt to fully understand.
I haven't talked to the psychologist in over a week..I'm going to get an appointment for this week at some point. To be totally honest, I really do not want to go the route of medication..truthfully. And the idea of suicide gives me a deep empty pit feeling in my stomach and a thought of dread..so I can't see that happening either. Can anyone out there relate to these feelings?
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