Quote:
Originally Posted by todarktosleep
Here I am awake again, not because I need to be I assure you, but I cannot figure out how not to fear the past…
Ultimately that’s what this is. I have no reason to fear the present. My wife loves me, my kids love me, in their own way. I have a home, a car, my bills are paid, I still FEAR… I still feel physically sick when I think about what I did Over There.
Everyone tells me :”you only did what you had to do, were told to do” but as much as I agree with them it doesn’t change how I feel. I completely understand the mechanics of PTSD yet I don’t understand it at all...
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todarktosleep...
please understand that right now I am sharing what my own experience was, ok?
It was years before I got help for my PTSD...partly because no one thought Army nurses serving in-country would have a problem with it...attitude was "why the hell would they?"
Initially, we were lumped in with the men and there was little respect or understanding and that did not change for awhile.
Different experiences but with many commonalities...it's different now and I'm grateful there are more resources for our returning women warriors.
"What I did over there..."
My own experience with this happened when the walls around my hardened heart starting crashing down around me.
The numbness was wearing off slowly but surely...no matter how hard I tried to hold on to that numbness it wasn't working...I felt like a raw and poisoned wound walking around.
I was one screwed-up woman.
Many people discount what nurses went through and the things we did to survive.
Survive, one onslaught after another
Exist...between those slams
and die inside a little bit more everyday.
Actions and attitudes that caused the deaths of others...one was killing a enemy in self defense...it haunts me everyday, especially when I am around my children because that person did not live to do...anything...
Yeah, you do what ya gotta do
then it eats you up until you get help and come to terms with it.
For a very long time, I had intense anger because one of my younger brother's name is on the Wall...at times, I wondered if it was some kind of weird payback for my action...screwed up thinking but real and deadly guilt.
Deadly guilt. Harsh words, but true words. Guilt will bring us down faster than most of the other feelings...
and shame
Shame that I was capable of doing those things...I could not forgive myself for sometime.
It's not easy, todarktosleep, to try and have any kind of life when we come home and fight that second battle--the PTSD, getting help, rolling up into a ball trying to get through another 24 hours, being battered with so many things when the numbness wears off...
It is a second battle to secure the help we need, but it can be done.
Vets helping fellow Vets is something we do for each other.
It's one of the reasons I mentioned IAVA...they are extraordinary in what they do for Iraq and Afghanistan Vets...they've been there, They Know...They Know
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing...a few words, a lot of words--anything you need to say.
The PC community knows this forum will contain posts that may trigger them--use the trigger icon and share what needs to be let loose when you are struggling.
We Care
We Are Here For Each Other
Catherine