(((((((((everyone)))))))))))

Thanks for the support, all. I'm not sure what's going on. I've been feeling SO GOOD lately and I literally woke up and my first thought was "oh no, not again." Nothing has changed, nothing has happened, I'm taking my meds, I made an appointment with my counsellor, I'm getting to my classes and I'm actually enjoying them a lot. My French lecture today was actually the highlight of my day, which is saying something because when the depression was really bad, lectures were the worst thing for me. My attitude as changed in a lot of ways. It's like there are two opposing sides to me, one that is interested and engaged and making her way through life as best she can, and the other that's just ... blackness and hurt and fear. I've had the odd bad day before, it happens once every so often, but it's NEVER been this bad, not since before my meds kicked in. Even the physical pain is back, the aching in my legs and arms. I can't make myself look forward to the morning and it's even worse now that I know what it feels like to go to sleep at night with anticipation for the next day just because things are going so well. My life isn't perfect, and I've still got my problems, but I've been handling them, I've been dealing wit them. And then today I wake up and it feels like I've gotten nowhere at all.

I'm dreading going to sleep. I'm afraid that when I wake up tomorrow I'm still going to feel this way. I feel so heavy. I feel like there are a hundred voices screaming at me that I'm awful and pathetic and I'm trying not to believe them but that's all that's been going through my head ALL DAY and I can't get it to stop. It's like there's this recording in my head and I can't make it go to the next track. I hate this, I was doing so well. I want to do well again. I want to be normal. I want to be happy and healthy and I'm so scared that no matter how well I do I'm going to spend the rest of my life just dreading these black days.