[quote=Briester;1179834]Today is another blaaa day. Wife and baby are still away until Saturday, then they come back for 1 week, then off again to India for a month and a week. It's been raining for the last few days. Today marks 3 weeks I've been on Prozac for this thing but only 1 week at 20mg/day (2 weeks were just 10mg/day) and I'm really hoping something starts making a change sometime though I know it's probably going to take a while.

I really dislike my job but I'm fortunate to have one and be able to (barely) pay the bills and mortgage even after cutting out extra insurance policies and getting a small raise. I like computers for what I can do with them and being able to get online but HATE working on them and fixing problems day after day after day. My mind is always telling me that MY life is dreary I'm a failure for not having a job I like and not finishing my degree yet.

I'm trying to keep a good face for everyone around but it just seems like such a mask and I'm tired of wearing a mask every day to everyone. I do my best to offer positive comments here and I believe them when I'm writing and really wish love and compassion for everyone else who's suffering but I can't seem to find that same compassion for myself. I don't even know who I am anymore and can't remember what it was like to be truly happy for more than a few minutes, if that.

Sometimes I really just hate myself and think everyone else would be better without me. My wife and child could have the small life insurance money and my father wouldn't have to worry about me occasionally asking for money when we run short. Sorry to rant..
It's really hard and sometimes I feel like crying but (with the exception of my mother) had it drilled into my head as most guys do that men don't cry and we need to just deal with it. How can I feel such numbness for myself and so much compassion for others?[/quo