Kureha: Meds - I've thought about it, talked about it, but I don't think that's what I need.

It's an option -- which is what it should be. We all use various crutches to get through these kind of experiences and there's certainly no shame in using a crutch that works for us. If the one we're using isn't helping us to walk, we can choose a different one.

... they want to kill me, it's because I know other things about HIV, that other people don't.

I went through a period of time where I felt I knew some things that other people didn't know. It did feel like "top-secret" information that was actually a huge responsibility to try and carry because it was a burdening kind of knowledge. There came a point when I was just so tired of it all, I didn't care anymore if someone was watching, I didn't care if anyone killed me.

That might seem a terrible thing to think but it was actually incredibly liberating because once I reached that point it meant there was nothing to worry about anymore. It also free'd me up to start living my life the way I needed to live it. I figured if someone out there felt obligated to watch that, their life must be a whole lot duller than mine because my life is a fairly quiet life. It's now several years later and I'm still here. No one killed me after all.

When I look back on that period of time, I sometimes think that feeling of being watched was related to losing my ego boundaries and feeling as if the whole world could come flooding in, including the frightening things I'd tried to protect myself from. I don't feel that way anymore and I think it's because I've managed to rebuild those ego boundaries.

Anyway, I'm really glad to know you have such a great psychologist to talk to about these things. I had people I could talk to as well and that really helped.



~ Namaste