I've been homeschooled since...forever. I know nothing else. For the longest time, since I can remember, I have wanted to go to public school. And no. It was not because every girl my age was in school, but simply because I wanted to go.

Since I can remember, I found the pros and cons of school outrageously fascinating. I still remember telling myself that if I were to go to school, I would try to especially befriend the outcasts. Silly, naive little me...I didn't care about the fact that bullies would probably bully me. I didn't care about the "Fab" students, most especially girls, who would probably attack me with their vicious words and spiteful actions. They enthralled me. I would watch stupid TV movies like Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleading Scandal (based on a true story, by the way) and be eager to experience something like this for myself-- being part of those who try to stop girls like these. And then...being seriously depressed that I wasn't able to be a part of art class...music class...drama club...or even something as simple as riding a buss to school. All of the things I couldn't do at home or my family couldn't afford.
...
Unfortunately, my feelings for all of these things have not changed...
In 2002, I was able to get a semi-public school experience when my community made a building into what was called the Homeschooling Network where children from 6 to 12 (...or was it 15...) would participate in group activities, classes and whatnot similar but nothing like a public school for seven hours. For one, I knew every one of the students in the whole building and there were only maybe a total of 20 kids. But I was the class clown, of sorts, and ended up blocking out a lot that happened during that time out of my memory. I hated those two years.
But now I find myself wishing that something like that for kids my age happened again.

To make a long, pathetic story short amiss the fact that I have been homeschooled my whole life, I can't work at home anymore. I'm easily distracted (I can't even focus on personal work, like my writing, which is ludicrous) and find the home environment itself to be a huge distraction. My mother thinks otherwise...and now I'm not even sure if I'm doing this to myself or there really is something wrong. I don't want to say "wrong"...but I don't know what else to use. Now I'm 17-- 17, and I'm nowhere NEAR out of high school. I am less than "unschooled", in my opinion, and I see no way out of this and simply no future for myself at all.
To rub it all in, a 13-year-old girl in my community who I've known for years just finished her GED and is probably going to college soon. I swear...I am so...so very ashamed of myself. I've broken down crying just by the thought of it all. I think...if only I wasn't me, I'd probably be done with my education, now, too. My mom told me so.

...Now, think about it. I've already been asked "Why don't you just go to public school now?" The reason why I can't is because if I were to go now, I'd be a complete failure, more than the one I am now! Half of the things they'd probably teach for my grade (and I don't even know what grade I should be in) I probably don't know. But I can't motivate myself to do anything. I even tried to walk downtown to the library not too far from my home to concentrate there-- but I can't motivate myself to go anymore. I can't motivate myself to do anything. I don't see much of a reason to do them anymore. I don't even know why I think this way...but I feel as if I, personally, have tried everything I can without coming upon a personal roadblock due to lack of...whatever this is.

...Sorry if I bored you all with my long story...I just...had to get it all out...
I'm willing to hear what anyone has to say about all of this...and thank you for reading if you actually have.
...To the moderators...sorry...