Kureha: So the people that you had to talk to - they helped you think there wasn't anyone trying to kill you? How did you believe them? (You don't have to answer that)

Do you mean did they try to change my mind? Not really. They couldn't have changed it anyway. Mostly, they just listened to my worries or concerns. They didn't always see things quite the same way I saw them and sometimes they'd share that opinion with me, but they also seemed to understand that I was feeling very fearful at the time and that I had reasons for feeling that way. They didn't judge me or make me feel like I shouldn't be feeling what I was feeling at that time. If they had, I probably would have stopped talking to them about those things because I would have felt they didn't understand. It's worth noting I did feel angry and misunderstood by some people at that time, because I felt they didn't or wouldn't try to understand how I was feeling.

As more and more time went by and no one showed up to kill me, I began to feel safer. Mostly, I just needed time to work through those fears on my own. It's also worth noting there didn't come some magical day when I looked back and said, "Oh, that was all just a bunch of illusions!" Even now, I wouldn't say that. I had "proof" that the person I was frightened of might try to hurt/kill me, and I had "proof" that, among other things, the government had been reading my webpages.

Over time I figured out that the person I was frightened of had reminded me of my birth father (who was very abusive) and eventually decided that all those hits on my webpages from clearly identifiable government sources was because of the information I had there on PTSD. So my specific concerns didn't go away, I just came to understand what they were all about by exploring my own thoughts and emotions about them. I'm making the process sound far simpler than it really was because I was doing a lot of healing work in a number of different streams but eventually, they all came together and I stopped feeling frightened about those things.

Anyway, I hope the same kind of thing might happen for you and one day, you won't be feeling so fearful any more.



~ Namaste, Kureha