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I think about suicide quite a bit, actually a lot of the time. I have made failed attempts in the past. I have had a lot of therapy surrounding this topic as is the case at the moment. I call the emergency lines quite often when I get a strong feeling to do something. I have planned my own demise many a time in the past, written suicide letters. It is not something that I am proud of but something that I can’t seem to control, it comes from somewhere deep within me that wants to come out with a vengeance. At times these feelings are very frightening yet somehow rational to another part of me. It feels like its not really me who is acting on the suicidal tendencies but the other person who dwells within me, my opposite twin, someone who has their own identity and power and will that I can not control. At least now, I will call my doc or call the help line. I also have the option of going to the hospital to be placed as an in-patient. I wish that I had more control!!!! I don’t pretend to know what happens to me but something inside of me seems to be so spontaneous!!! Then I am off on another tangent planning, scheming something, it just seems so dammed uncontrollable. As a matter of fact, I am waiting right now for the crisis centre to call me back. I guess they are having a busy night. It’s like calling 911 and getting put on hold!! Not good. I don’t know what to do except wait and try to think rationally “I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, settle down John!!!” I keep telling the part of me that is somewhat sane that I can get through it. I may get admitted to the hospital again if these feelings gets much worse and that is always an option that I can’t ignore! Sometimes the medication just doesn’t do the job or at least that is what I think. Sometimes reading the bible and praying helps yet at other times it is useless. God can be cruel and pitiless or at times kind and gentle, it is his choice not mine, while I am left to live with the consequences. The mind can play some awful games with your psyche ripping and tearing a person to shreds, igniting thoughts that you never realized were even possible. I think, “Where to hell did that crazy, vicious inhumane thought come from?” I keep fighting to stay well, to stay alive to live another day, hoping it will get better sooner or later. I call my life “The Age of Depression” as I have fought with depression for as long as I have memories. The last few years have been some of the most intense times in my life for whatever reason. At times, I just seem to be on this rollercoaster ride, cycling up and down with no end in site. But the highs are uncomfortable and frightening and uncontrollable yet a split second later I can feel trapped down in the deepest, darkest most frightening hole one could imagine. I don’t have any control or the power to stop what is happening to me. The only thing I find that I can do is to try to follow my doctors’ advice, keep going to therapy, keep taking my medications, keep calling the crisis line when I feel it is necessary, and try to keep my sanity to the best of my ability.
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