I agree that marriage counseling could be very helpful.
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Originally Posted by notsohot
It seems as though I'm his "mother". I'm always the one to plan and decide everything! When/what we eat, when we need to go shopping - even if it's stuff for him that he needs like underwear, socks, pjs etc. He can't remember to pick up the stuff himself! I need to remind him to clip his nails, pick up after himself, constantly tell him what needs to be done around the house - garbage day, recycling day, wipe the counter, close the cupboards etc.
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Stop doing that stuff for him. If he doesn't clip his nails, let them grow long. Eventually he will notice. Stop picking up after him. Stop buying his underwear. When he runs out of underwear, he'll figure it out.
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I have spoken to him about it. That I need to have a break. Even just ONE day of not having to cook and clean as soon as we come home from work.
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I think you need some more structure to your chore-sharing. Together, set a schedule--for example, he will cook Mondays and Thursdays, and you will do the other days. Start small and just have him do 2 days a week. Praise his efforts. If you have a schedule, then you won't have to keep telling him what to do. If he forgets to cook on his days, grab some food for yourself but don't make him anything.
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How often do I need to ask? He should know this stuff right?
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There may be something passive agressive going on here. Many men don't like to be told what to do. Even if you are asking him, he may not be hearing what you say as requests. He may feel like you are telling him what to do and it may not sit well with him. This may take some work in therapy for the both of you to learn to communicate and hear what the other person is really trying to say. You get locked in a cycle--you ask him to do something, he feels you're bossing him, so he refuses to respond or help, then you get resentful, make more requests, he gets more passive aggressive and won't do what you ask, etc. Bad cycle. A therapist can help with that.
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if I call him, he often just hangs up on me
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This is pretty rude. Do you ever speak to him about that? In the safety of therapy, you might be able to. Maybe he just doesn't want to chat with his wife during the day. Some men are uncomfortable with small talk. Maybe tell him you realize he's not a "talker" and you'll only call when something requires his attention. I understand it can be frustrating to not get the attention you would like, but some people just don't want to chat when they are at work. You could also try sending emails during the work day if you need his input on a decision, etc. It sounds like you have a lot of dissatisfaction with how he treats you and it will be hard to work on everything at once. I think maybe trying to force him to call you during the day may be a losing battle and it would be better to choose some of the other areas to work on (like getting him to cook dinner regularly).
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Even if he's running late, like 20 minutes late, he won't pick up the phone or call me. He expects me to wait in the car (we carpool together). When instead, I could have stayed at work, or gone shopping.
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This is very rude. Tell him if he's going to be late, he needs to call you. If you don't hear from him within 10 minutes of the pic-up time, you will assume he has another way home, and then just drive home without him. He can take the bus or taxi or whatever. That will help train him to be more thoughtful. Sometimes behavioral techniques can be very helpful. If he can't learn to phone, I guess he can just stop carpooling with you. It would be a way to save yourself some grief.
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He makes me feel guilty if I want to go and visit my friends without him.
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I disagree with that! You're choosing to feel guilty. Don't feel guilty for having some fun with your friend. Invite him to go out with you the following week so you can share some fun with him too. If he says no he doesn't want to go, well, at least you tried, and remind him of that the next time he complains about being lonely and bored.
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I told him we should join a coed sport team, or he should join a team/class to get active and socialize, but he's not interested.
What can I do? Should I start printing off articles for him to read? Have a "Happy Marriage" book lying around in the house and hopefully he'll notice it's there. Because talking to him isn't working.
I am thinking more and more of leaving him.
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He doesn't sound very interested in having a good relationship. But he also might be depressed. I don't think leaving articles and books lying around the house will be helpful. I think the two of you need professional help--a couples therapist. Wouldn't it be better to give it a try instead of leaving him without trying?
I recently ended a marriage of over 20 years. At about 10 years, I asked my H to go to marriage counseling with me, and he said no. On my own, I tried to make the marriage work, but didn't do that well. Eventually we divorced. I'm not beating myself up about it, but I think I should have tried harder to get him into marriage counseling with me. It wouldn't have ended up any worse than it did, with the marriage failing. If the marriage is in danger of ending, what's to lose by really pushing to go to counseling?
Life sounds hard for you right now. I hear a lot of resentment and frustration. I wonder if your H really realizes how unhappy you are? Do you think if he knew, that he might be more motivated to pull his weight in the marriage and work on improving it?