strange...
offers, counter offers
compromise, negotiate
give
take
slam the door on the way out to smoke
nearly in tandem
"you take the frigging stairs, I was here--elevator--first"
his once ramrod straight posture
gone
shoulders sagging a bit

JC, he's not a monster
it was unreal seeing it
this man was and is still hurting
and I wondered
how many cheerleaders does he have?
did he drive them away?
did he even know he had them?
does his T talk to him about it?

cheerleaders...
I've got them here and in real life
is he jealous...in need...can't say help me?
I do not know
like anything else, he must do it
stop fighting...it's not a surrender
it may feel like one to him
I do not know

some of his worse episodes
were around me
and I took care...of him...of me, taking care to stay out of harm's way
he is not a monster
he is hurting
He knows it, is trying, but he has a helluva path to walk
what is gone will never return
to him, to me, to the children

flash of anger
he could have had it all
he just didn't get it
getting help was not being weak
not getting help sooner cost him
he paid a high price for stubborn pride and belligerence

surprise crying, his and mine
he is not a monster
he does not know it, though
guilt, shame, anger...still fill him
now he knows
so do I

fair settlement
not the best for either of us
but acceptable
the deed to the land stands
the children are protected...

PTSD is not pretty
it sucks you dry and then some
ya have to find a way to get filled
with something better
or you can lose
not just everything
but everyone...yes
that's just the start of the losts
never to be the same
harder to reinvent yourself
accept what was is just that...was

I do not know
if he felt any relief then
or in the past
or hopes for it in the coming hours
he is not a monster
...and he does not know it.

what faces does he see when or if he sleeps?
the dead...the ones he killed, the ones killed?
the buddies who came back in a coffin?
hand to hand means face to face
does he see those faces?
and cry out in tears and terror?
he is not a monster
...and he does not know it.

life goes on
hang on to the life of then
move on to the life of now
tough it out...pay a very high price
is part of his pain
knowing what he lost?

thoughts for all of us struggling with PTSD
hopes for more time between episodes
pleas for their beatings of the spirit to lessen...

We are not monsters
some of us just don't know it