Quote:
Originally Posted by todarktosleep
Cathrine,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience... I was a Combat Medic for both of my tours so I know the unique pain of health care in combat, even if you never left the wire the war came to you, in pieces.
I still cry uncontrollably at times i never let my wife see me, i cannot bare the thought of her seeing how weak i am at times. I was ok for a long time after I got back and then I started to have trouble focusing and remembering things. I had a full breakdown over xmas '07 and spent a few days in the VA hospital; I couldn't stand the way She looked at me, the pity and lack of understanding... I think I still resent her a little bit, deep inside, and I'm ashamed. Every day that I feel good I ask myself if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.
To everyone else, thanks for the support!!  |
todarktosleep...you are welcome
My baptism in Army nursing came with the 71st Evac at
Pleiku during Tet. Hit the ground running and didn't stop until 2 1/2 years later...91st at Chu Lai was a picnic after Tet.
Crying uncontrollably is Not A Sign Of Weakness, my friend.
Holding it in is going to stop you from coming to terms with your experiences. It's only by bringing them out, as you are able, that their hold on you will lessen.
tdts, perhaps part of what you were seeing in your wife's eyes was love and wanting to take away your hurt...and the frustration of not being able to do it for you.
Don't be ashamed of any resentment you may have about it...to be blunt, there is within most of us a resentment that outsiders...aka family, friends, strangers...don't know what it is really like living with these memories.
I wouldn't want them to, either--but I sure as hell don't want someone telling me they do understand. Unless you've stood next to me trying to keep a bleeder alive and wondering what the **** for...ya ain't going really understand it. (bleeder=face wound. is it still called that...)
It a large part of the reason I lean on Vet to Vet help...I'm fortunate in having my buds here when I'm having a crappy time...and I'm here for them when they need it.
"Every day that I feel good I ask myself if I'm getting better or just used to the pain."
jmo/jme, both...they kind of go hand in hand. It's a bit of a tightrope we walk when we start on our path
of healing.
It's tough and lonely and can bring us to our knees very quickly...but it does get better.
Does everything meld into understanding and peace? No.
There are some things that bear no understanding.
Will there be more times of those bits and pieces of peace that keep us going? Oh yes...none of us would make it without them...and they will come and go, but they will also begin to last longer.
One thing every recovery has in common?
We do it at our own pace; not anyone's else's pace or the pace others think we should...
There is no finishing line and no trophy. Days we take four steps forward , days we take thirty steps backward.
And this is all right.
There will come a time when we take fifty steps forward and .25 backwards
Please keep posting, tdts.
We Care...
You are not going to shock us; there is no judgment, criticism, no disgust.
There is standing together with each other with respect and honor.
In Peace
Catherine