thank you everyone for your replies. I made a choice a long time ago that I was going to get better. I have dedicated myself to that indeaver. It sucks. I mean it reallllly sucks sometimes. Right now though I feel like the hard part is behind me. I know that feeling is a load of dung because I have experienced the feeling before then my therapist and I just dig a little deeper and SURPRISE there is another pit of sludge to pull myself through. And each new pit is deeper then the last. Still I can't give up. It is amazing when a new realization comes through. Like my husband playing the victim when it comes to his job and the part that victimhood has played in our relationship. This is a new view that I haven't worked all the way through yet but it was like a lightbulb flicking on day before yesterday. All of a sudden I had this insight to a HUGE part of my behavior in our relationship and how it worked with his behavior and how I just didn't want to do that anymore and how it isn't going to be all that easy for him to give it up and how it is just going to SUCK getting through this new bit of change. Ha ha.
Carrie