I don`t know if its a good idea to advice you to leave or not to leave. You know deep inside yourself what to do.

The issue is can you get access to that [art deep inside of you? I agree with jerry that you may have anxiety about it....because what you say sounds familiar to me.
Maybe you are afraid of the unknown? like you don`t know what you will do /who will you be without her? it can`t be subconscious. Just an option of course....