I'm just so disappointed in myself. I feel like I'm letting everything slide out of my hand even though I worked so hard for it. I had an exam yesterday, and I could not concentrate to study. I cried half an hour before the exam, and I tried several times to stop it. Then I was tearing up during the exam. And it had nothing to do with the exam. When I was studying, I just got a sudden anxiety of..something, fear, I think. I kept thinking into the future and how it'd hurt if/when my boyfriend would leaves me, and those are real fears, because he has the power to walk away from our relationship and be fine, and I don't. I keep looking at our relationship and believing in everything good about him and pray and hope he'll be there. He has the right to walk away though 'cause I'm the bad person in this relationship. I can't help but feeling like such loser. Then I started getting scared because I was thinking how my close friend might leave me too and grow apart, and the fear is so unfounded because she's always been there for me. It got so bad, I even had to ask her yesterday if I was a bad friend, and she had no clue where that was coming from. I thought about my mom and how something might happen to her. What if she gets sick and I'll lose her too. Then I really freaked out. And I thought about my little sister and how she'll grow up and no longer happy to see me. She's small now so her love is unconditional, she just gets so happy whenever she gets to see me home. What happens when she grows up to be a teenager and start withdrawing? Am I gonna lose her too? I already had just lost my granpa, and now my grandma is sick and I might lose her, and then I don't know if my boyfriend will get bitter at me again and want to leave me, and I kept rethinking the whole thing again in the exam and I didn't answer anything correctly, so I did really bad on it. I'm such a failure, as a student, as a friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister. What do I need to do to fix myself? How do I prepare the pain and agony when my boyfriend doesn't want me again? I need to deal with it better so I can stop extending it to other people thinking they'd abandon me too. It's not fair to them. Ahhhh!!! I feel so emotionally weak. I want to be strong so I can provide all the love and support my loved ones need, instead of leaning on them for support. I was always the strong one, the listener, the advisor, and it feels horrible to have to burden my friends and family with my wacky emotions right now.