I freaked out last night. I kept thinking about my mother poisoning my food. I'm usually good at ignoring that one but I also kept thinking bugs were in my food so I still couldn't eat. I can't even remember what all I was thinking. Oh.... I remember now. While I was walking home from my friend's house I was so paranoid and my thoughts were racing. I took my knife out because i could hear that car i know is watching me. i know it was waiting for me to go down the road from my street. I was thinking how if they finally got me I would stab myself in the throat or slit my wrists. I was dead set on it too.
I REALLY don't like telling anyone about that, it's not the first time I've acted like that. I'm sure if anyone tries to talk to me or stop me for any reason while i'm in that state I would either attack them or try to kill myself.
and i went mute last night. last time that happened was 4 months ago. that's how bad it was. I just locked up tight. my friend asked if I was okay and I could NOT speak, not that I didn't want to or anything I just physically couldn't.
I feel okay right now because I feel safe right where I am, but I still feel anxious and a bit paranoid and I know the smallest thing could trigger me right now.

i really don't want to go to a hospital. i doubt i really need to go anyway. i think someone i know would notice if I was that bad... i'm lying. no one I know gives two shits about me to notice. and I don't want to go because then it'll prove to my mother (and my family) that I'm just a psycho that will never have a productive life and will be living in half way houses my whole life because I can't take care of myself. her exact words not mine.
ok that made me really sad.