My Support Forums - View Single Post - From Bad to Worse? (one hell of a rant!!)

Elysium · Oct 30, 2009, 10:50 PM

Excuse me while a bask in a moment of self pity!! (((((ELYSIUM3006)))))

So...I'm gonna type like mad cause I am OOBER pissed and and also very . Read it...don't read it...respond...don't respond...it's all good!!

I just gotta get it out!!

This has been the week from HELL!!!!! I can hardly remember what day it is right now and I don't feel like I have experienced any days this week...just one long day that never ends!! It just keeps going and going and I am about ready to jump ship!!

So...some of you know that I recently moved in with this woman who WAS really nice and supportive and helpful to me...in the beginning. I had since decided that even though she was a good person and a fine room mate that I was not tolerating living in someone elses home...feeling like a guest and not feeling like I have any purpose or reason to keep moving forward. I have NOTHING to call my own anymore...and I can't stand it. What good is existing if there is no reason for one to exist?

So...I wanted to talk with her about me moving out so I could get my own place. I found a place and filled out an application while she was on a trip out of town. She would be back in 2 days and I figured that I could talk with her when she got back. Well....the rental people called her for a reference the day before she was to return and I got a few NASTY and panicked text messages from her that night and she wouldn't take "I'm sorry you found out like this...can we talk about it in person when you get home...as opposed to through text?" very well.

So...fast forward to two days ago...She doesn't watch TV much, but she is on the internet all the time and she has wireless internet set up and she put me on her account so that I wouldn't have to start up my own account. I was leary of this, but it was helpful as I wouldn't have to make an extra utility payment for a while.

I am a homebody when I am not at work or running errands. I tend to isolate for safety and security and I need a home to be comfortable. It is my only safe haven from the world. Three days ago I woke up to find that not only the cable had been shut off in the house, but my internet wasn't working any longer. However, my room mate was able to use her computer and DID HAVE internet. I let it slide for a couple days. I didn't want to get into any more conflict. I am feeling like I just want to die and hide under a rock until I decay and I am not up for any more drama. I didn't speak up. It started to get to me. I started to get mad. Finally she asked me what was wrong, and she was real sweet and asked if I wanted to talk about it. By now, I was so upset that I just started to cry and I asked her if she tanked my internet cause I was moving and she stated that she didn't know there were issues with the internet or the cable and that she'd never do that to me. We talked briefly and then I left because you could cut the tension with a knife and I just couldn't stand it. I had to get away. I went to my friend Celeste's house. (This is a whole other story...I'll get there) Later on that night...I get another NASTY text from her saying that I shouldn't just assume that she tanked my account, that I should have asked and that I "must not know her very well" as she would NEVER do that to someone" and then she goes on to say..."by the way, the cable and internet are back on." I texted her back...."you're right, I don't know you well. I just met you 3 weeks ago and I have difficulty trusting people." She left me alone after that for a while.

Now....I have found 3 apartments that I love!! One won't take my animals and I will not give them up. The other one is requiring a co-signer because my credit score is to low. My Mom said she would co-sign and needed to send in proof of her income. Well she sent it in, but none of the paperwork had her name on it!!!!! You would think a 54 year old woman would realize that if she is sending in proof of income, that proof would have to state that SHE is the one getting that income. So, I patiently called her, yet was a bit frustrated with her....uuuuhhhh stupidity!! She told me that she didn't have any more money to fax anything else. I asked her why she would fax something that didn't have her name connected to it and she just started biting my head off and laying this guilt trip on me about how I was asking soooo much from her. I had to hang up. I could feel the anger boiling up and I couldn't let it get the better of me otherwise I was going to flip a major breaker. I haven't talked with her since and don't really want to. One day, she's crying because she says she doesn't know what she can do to help me and that she wants to help me, the next day she is practically yelling at me for "asking so much of her". I am done asking her for help. There are too many strings that come attached to her type of help. The 3rd apartment I just applied for today and I will know if I get it within the next two days or so. This is a good thing and won't come a moment to soon. I am getting very frightened of being here in this house. I think all this has just triggered me really bad and I am just closing myself in and off and hiding away until I can get out.

Now, to save myself from all of this, I was going to my friend's house to have a "prepare for Halloween" party. Every year, her and about 10 other friends get together over the Summer/Fall months and we put together a Haunted House in her garage that we run on Halloween night for the kids in the community. It is free and it is safe for them. They like it cause they get a fun scare....and we hand out full sized candy bars too....

So...all of us got together to do our annual pumpkin carving where we buy about 30 pumpkins and carve them so we can line her walk and drive-way with them on Haunt Night. It's also kind of a drinking night/party as well. Typically I am the designated driver/sober friend....but I was having such a bad time I said to hell with it because I wanted to get completely shat faced and messed up. I drank...and I drank hard. Four shots and five mixed drinks later and I was feeling no pain. Now, I NEVER drink....maybe 2-3 times a year and it's usually only 1-2 drinks at that so I was seriously fubard!! Everybody was. At the end of the night, we had 10 empty bottles of hard alcohol sitting on her counters. Not only was I drinking...but I was smoking too. I NEVER smoke!! Needles to say...this was someone elses night out (Amber's~and she's only 12) and it was damn good fun....UNTIL....the alcohol started settling and 4 out of the 10 people that were there started puking and turning into belligerent, falling down, loud annoying drunks. All of the sudden...I switched from "completely smashed Amber" to "completely sober Lydia". IT SUCKED!!! I became Nurse Made to all. I was the one that was rubbing the backs of the puking people and changing the trash can liners and making sure people kept their clothes on (this was actually quite a challenge)...even my friend, who was hosting the party was smashed and throwing up. I was/am sooooo angry !! It went from a night of me being able to drown my sorrows in booze and cigarettes...which is really not like me...to a night when I had to take on 10 smashed out of their mind drunks.

Honestly...I don't know how I stayed so okay. I know I wasn't sober, but for someone who never drinks, who has 4 shots and 5 strong mixed drinks to be able to walk straight, let alone stand up, I am amazed at how we all handled it. I hardly remember anything about what I did before people started throwing up, but after....it's all to clear.

So...all I want is a little piece. Some fun. Someone to take care of me for a little while and someone to watch my back. Someone to protect me...but why can I never have this? It seems like I am always on my own with no one but myself.

I am pretty sure I am whining right now....but I haven't actually slept since before that party started so I've been awake for 30 hours. I got NO SLEEP at the party. I was to busy making sure everyone else was okay and getting all of them to shut up and get in bed...and then...I cleaned the freekin kitchen.

Okay....enough!!! I'm getting soooo sick of hearing myself think in my head that now I'm starting to get nauseous!!

I'm sure all of you are too!!

All in all, I am feeling very uncertain and scared about my life and how I'm going to find a place to live...and am worried about how this room mate is going to handle things. I am angry because I feel like I always end up being the responsible one while everyone else gets to be carefree...even when all I want is to hide away and occasionally be able to let my hair down and go a little crazy myself.

Uuuuggggg!!! Anyway...I am falling asleep while I'm typing this. I need to go to bed. I'm so tired, I can't even feel anyting right now.

Sorry for whining and rambling...and yes, I would like some cheese with my Whine!!