Hello Everyone,
I am in tears right now because I did not expect anyone to answer my letter. I feel like I was all alone with this depression. I don't like to think I have to have help getting through this but I do need to see a psych. doctor. I live in a small town. I saw the doctor-years ago and it took over a month to get in. Depression is not easy to fight. The thoughts that follow these bad bouts are enough to keep me in bed. I only get out of bed because I have an old dog. She is thirteen years old. I know she will die one day.
I feel like I should go to the hospital because of the thoughts I am dealing with. Yet-I am supposed to be the strong one in my family. I had lost my step-son in December-1999. I was very close to him-he was in special education. I helped him stay in school. He always said I was the reason he was able to graduate from high school. His wife was murdered in December-2001. We were also close.
The grandchildren are now grown up. My husband had open heart surgery in 2003. He died 1 day before our aniversary-2004. All their deaths were sudden-I have nightmares everynight-I dream that people are chasing me or someone is stopping me from hurting my self. My dreams don't even give me peace.
I lost my dad in 1996 but I did not morn because he broke my trust with him. There was things done and said that can not be forgotten. He did not commit incest but he broke my trust with touching and peeping in windows at me. I still can not open my curtains or windows-anytime. I saw a therapist to deal with what he had done. Yes-I later learned he had done it to my sisters too. I stood up to him and theatened jail time when I learned that he was doing it to my sisters. My mother did not believe me-even called me names until one of my sisters spoke up. My sister said she had it done to her too. When he was dying-I helped with his care. My mother said if he had done all that to me-how could I help him now. I had to find peace with what he had done to me. I knew that when he died I would not have worry about my neices.
I thought I could deal with this depression on my own because I went to college for a few years. I studied Social Work with Psychology as my minor. I had to leave school before I could graduate. At least I have some school even though I am on disability. I find that I don't have the energy to do anything. I used to paint-read books-go fishing-go swimming when the weather permitted and just be outside. I would rather be locked in my place and never get out. I have a neighbor who is always checking on me. She told me if I did something to my self she would be very mad-at me. She is the only friend I have told of being this depressed. I don't say alot to my family. We grew up hearing the words-"what is said in this house-stays in this house." We were never one to express our feelings until we grew up. We did not hug or say I love you.
I keep saying things to my self about certain dates-only to find another reason to delay. I do have thoughts of death-a lot. Everyday-to the point-I don't know how safe I really am. I don't want to die or I would have gone ahead with my thoughts. I am searching for answers to live-to die. If I exist-what is my purpose? I know we all ask-why are we here. I wish my dreams were not so dark. I am running from people who are stopping me from self harm-yet I am running. Something I can not do because I was born with a heart defect that does not allow me to run now. I am obese. I figure if I am running in my dreams it must mean that I am fighting something. I have trouble going to sleep. Once I am asleep-I don't want to get up. I have trouble talking to anyone about things. I don't feel like my life is bad now-just severe depression. Like many others-I deal with physcial pain. I am not allowed to have pain medication because of trying to end my life-over a year ago. I don't know if the doctor will ever give me pain medication again. I was with my abusive ex-boyfriend who convinced me that life was not worth living. His verbal and physical abuse had me to the point of not thinking right. I was always the one who said Sorry! I took the overdose of pain meds. I am responsible for my actions. He
found me after a bad night of his yelling and throwing plates at me. He took a knife to his throat and was going to cut it. I grabbed his hand and told him cut mine first. He did not threaten with the knife after that but I decided to take the pain meds. I was in a coma for 24 hours on life support. The doctor in the I.C.U. did not insist I go into the psych. hospital. I wish he would have insisted more. I might have been able to get out of the relationship sooner. I was the one who had to leave. I had to get to the point of having enough. I now understand how so many abused people stay with the abusive person. They are made to feel worthless-unable to be on their own. I left because of my sisters and brothers helping me leave. It was not easy at first. I am afraid to be put in the hospital for depression-again. I don't have a bad life-now. I don't know what to do. I am ashamed to admit that I am too weak to go on with this life. I know I need help-but it might take a month to see the psych. doctor. How can I cope until then? Sorry-I wrote so much. I don't talk much to others-I am the one that listens when others have a problem. I just had to tell my thoughts to someone. What can I do until I see a doctor? I keep putting it off about seeing the doctor-I did tell my family doctor I was doing great on my medication for depression. I take Welburitin -200 mg in the morning and 100 mg at night. I don't know if I spelled it right on the medication. Thank you all for replying.