but I did it.

Don't know what i'm talking about obviously.
Picked up a job application at homesense/winners here.
Saw the hire on one of those big black advertizing boards...
When I saw it, instant anxiety. I thought to myself I should go in and get a job application, considering this is where I told people i've wanted to work.
They are finally hiring, now will I actually go in an apply?

I went to Walmart, and shopped around for an hour, bought a couple things, forgetting about that place...

Ack, my stomache is nauseated now. I was going to avoid the place all together, I was going to walk on the opposite side to pass the plaza and then cross at the lights further down the street, just so I wasn't on the same side. Crazy huh...

I did cross over to the other plaza though and walked into the store, looked at a tank for 2 seconds. Then walked to costumer service, saw a worker there by the counter, and asked if I could grab a couple application forms from her. She raised her voice to her co-worker and she got me a couple.

I'm home now and feeling sick. Wasn't even aware they they were hiring, had no intention of getting a form, but I did.

What got me going was the self-talk stuff. When I saw the sign, instant anxiety for me. When I was crossing the street opposite Winners to go to the other plaza where the Walmart was located I kept saying to myself, shop around, if you want to go into the store you can. Take it a step at a time. Even if you do go in and not get the form it's ok. Maybe M will go for you when he gets home from work...I looked across at the parking lot as I was walking by and saw alot of cars, I was going to make up my mind then and there, but didn't. I said to myself if the customer service desks were crowded with people I wasn't going to get one. Hell I didn't even want to be there.

But I did it, feel relieved a bit, as it takes alot to even ask. I backed out of getting one at Walmart a long time ago because I panicked when with my BF.

I don't know if I'm able to do the rest.
I wish I didn't have so much job anxiety, it sucks.
I wish I could pat myself on the back, and tell myself that I did a fantastic job, I wouldn't have thought to do that a couple months ago, but I can't pat myself on the back.

I should be jumping for joy, but instead I feel sick.

What is wrong with me?