((((Kallen)))) I will read this some more and come back later and maybe I can offer something . I also grew up with a dysfunctional family, different issues than yours but I certainly understand the shame and all. The confusion that still exists for you I am sorry that it does. I will try to put my head together a bit more here and see what more if anything I can say. I wish you the best and this is a great place to reach out to others as I have found out. Hugs and peace to you Kallen