...sliding down the river bank wasn't an option this time
sat in the gazebo...just wanted to sit and weep and think.
I sat all right. Huge wet spot. Great. Wet butt. Oh well.

The wars...
More information is now being reported than before...last night was the first news report I heard about female fatalities. MSN had a slide show, "caring for the wounded"...or some similar wording. Same haunted look in their faces, intense but determined.
It reminds me a bit of how it was back then. The one that stands out in memory is "casualties were light." Oh. I guess the 172 that came though within hours were a party.

Funny, there was no music and dancing during that party...there were guts and burns and missing limbs...and no tears until you were off shift. By that time, most of us didn't give a FF because we were exhausted...nice of us, huh, not giving a FF?

Walked up to the show at the trade center...one of those arts & crafts that are popular before the holidays.
It was actually full of very talented people selling extraordinarily beautiful things.
Or showing skills.
The one artist I was very interested in was from Vietnam. He glanced at me a few times as he sketched caricatures, noticed my gazing at some of his landscapes...
I have not been called Missy for a very long time, and my eyes filled up with tears again, dammit. There were no handshakes or hugs...minimum of words...but his eyes were wet also.
That's it. No intimate sharing, acknowledgment of anything...nothing.

I had a few minutes of trembling when I wondered if he could be the brother of the man I killed...chances of that are nil and I know it.
and I wondered if his wet eyes were from memories of his own existence there...my jacket, the patches, worn but a part of me...did it trigger something in him??
Perhaps his memories are from being from the other side...
Walking around I found three others from Vietnam, a few Americans, and one Russian lady.

left there and walked uptown
neat trick navigating with my crutches on the wet sidewalks...with my wet butt and within a few minutes, wet hair.
heavy misting...shivering...

and feeling invisible
empty
the sight of the little kids doing the trick/treat in the blocked off section...absolutely no thought of how cute they were , etc..
I didn't care; was pissed off 'cause they were in my place
running up to the sculptures and babbling
C, why did I didn't know there was another event??

old bag lady...felt like one, looked like one
couldn't find an abandoned shopping card
to complete the new look

I would have filled it with
nights of sleep void
of dreams, faces, smells, sounds
oh wait...make that days and nights
some gratitude for what is good in my life
and there is plenty

took 30mg instead of 15
should be enough for several hours sleep
I be tired of it all

lock down, shut down
shot down
ready for bed
why is walking through this sludge so tiring...

go to bed, Catherine
everything is secure
on the outside
inside...in time