It's not that I want someone to take control, it just feels like I can't make myself eat anymore, like I don't even want to try making myself eat anymore, it just seems pointless when all that comes out of it is me feeling guilty. I know I'm probably making no sense and seeming like I'm contradicting myself, but what I meant was that it's like if I did want to eat, if I did want to just ditch her, then It'd take someone forcing me to, or if I wanted to eat, needed to eat but couldn't because I didn't want to put on weight or feel guilty, I'd have to have someone shove it down my throat before it'd go anywhere but on the floor or in the bin.

I'm worried about Connor because I know how much it affects him, but I just can't stop. Not yet. I don't feel able to now. I feel like I have to get to my target and I cannot stop until I get there. Every time that I'm faced with food, I hate it. I just don't know which way to go... The only reason I do eat is to make Connor happy, to make him think that everything's ok, to make him think that he has an element of control. To just make things better for him, easier to deal with. I dunno. If I was left alone for two weeks, I wouldn't eat a thing, I know I wouldn't.

I feel so frustrated by him being there sometimes because it's like I'm a kid who can't be left alone. I do love the time I spend with Connor, I really do enjoy it but it's just frustrating when I feel like I have to give in to him all the time just to stop him being angry with me or upset or something.

I just wish everything was different. I wish my past had never happened, but then I'm glad it has... It's so confusing. Idk. I just.. I'm not happy.