I'm just looking for an answer. Hoping it will come.

Lived a while already....and I'm tired. Sure, I'm not THAT old...yet, but, tired, nonetheless.
I've made well over my share of mistakes & karma saw to it that most dues have been paid. Still, I suppose collections for some of those dues have not made it back to me, yet. But, Karma will see to that with the dedicated attendance as does the IRS to the penny. Never overlooking one debt owed...certain to catch up.
Meanwhile, I try to not add to my over-exceeded credit line in life, but to no avail. And, why is that? Despite my conscious efforts, I am struggling to NOT make more mistakes, but they just....."happen".
I'm too old for this. I should know better. Yet, time and again.....ehhh!
And silently in my head, way deep down, I can hear mom telling me how she knew I'd fail, again.

Yeah, I know.....I'm not a failure. Yes. I've heard that things will improve with time. LOL. Even I'M one for saying that to others. Funny how, I cannot follow my own advice, which I admit, I'm great for giving. Sure, I have deep insight and understanding. Yeah, I'm a good person. Do my utmost best to support, care, give, encourage and even amuse...How I love to amuse, when I can....Hell, even when I can't, I resort to humor....distracts me from the inner sorrow, I guess. Huh, sorrow....And what of it? Seems to be so much of it anymore, that should expect it. But, ehh....it's k.

So, tell me...What IS the point? What's the difference between sever fatigue, anger or depression? More importantly, how can I even tell em all apart?
I am not an angry person, yet....I find myself not even giving a rodent's rump anymore if there IS a difference....if there IS a point.
I don't lash out. I don't get angry. I don't snap. Yet, I feel this rage within me, that's not only new, but confusing.
Tired? Hell YES! Yet, I find myself periodically bouncy, eager, spirited, cheerful....and humorous.
Sad? You bet. The sense of failure is so much a part of everything, that I talk myself out of trying because I naturally assume I won't succeed anyway.
.......(Just ONCE, tho....sure would be nice if.....I could feel that sense of reaching something ....you know?)

I thought this move would provide me hope. I thought this change would deliver me a new beginning. There is one thing that holds so true.....
"You take yourself with you no matter where you go", therefore, I guess, the same goes for the troubles, as well....lol.

It must be an old wives tale that....our older years are "supposed" to provide us a sense of easement. What a joke. Well....I guess I can't know that for certain just because it hasn't happened for ME. God bless those for whom it has, though...you lucky peeps. I so envy you.

Defeated at 51. I'm tired. Funny how....I have this urge to go home, but no home to go to....lol.
Despite my efforts, I just can't seem to succeed.
Sigh.
Yet, as I sit here, in my depressive state of mind, looking at my fingers, making certain they hit the proper keys, I can hear in the distance my daughter's giggles of enjoyment as she's having her fun with her friends online.
Reality check time.
I know I can't give up, even though it sure seems the way. My daughter is my reason. So, once again, back to my facade for another few day's run..until the next time I think......
Point Is?

I wasn't certain just where to put this thread. My apologies for misplacement.
Thanks for tolerating my randomness.

Shangrala