First, sorry if this thread is in wrong forum area, I'm not sure where it belongs. Moderators, please move it to correct area if necessary. Thanks.

Not sure what is wrong with me, if there is a disorder or not, unsure completely. I just wanted to spout off a little and read any sincere worthwhile replies that may give me some type of direction or something.

34 years old. Male. Occupation: Firefighter. Married, with 2 great step-children. Married for 5 years.

Childhood: very loving mother, put me through private school, worked hard, Catholic upbringing, instilled good values. Dad was Vietnam vet, then police officer. Early years were laden with alcoholism, and eventually destroyed their marriage. No physical abuse at all upon me or my younger brother by either parent. Parents divorced when I was 13. Few good years with dad immediately after that, but by age 21 I had decided I didnt need him and began to resent pain and suffering he put my mother through. And for me, I began to recall years of feeling like I was "not good enough' for him in any way, sports, etc. Spent many years as child trying to make dad proud.

Flashforward to mid to late 20's. Couple of serious relationships with females who ultimately proved to be too immature. At the time, i couldnt see it and was very distraught over break up with one of them, but in time saw for the best. Then I met woman who pined over me for months, thought I was greatest thing next to sliced bread. A notable improvement over her ex-husband (whom she had just, literally just, divorced) Because meeting her was soon after the bad breakup of mine, I struggled with notion that there was a good, loving female out there for me, so I kept this new woman at a distance. Eventually saw her not as I thought, and we stayed together and got married. I love her kids like they were my own. She changed careers after having met me and is now also a paramedic. She has much baggage of her own (verbally abusive father and ex-husband, self esteem issues, etc.)

I do for others constantly. Little things, insignificant things, big things, whatever. For all my family, especially my wife. I am a "go-to" guy. My chosen profession is even that of helping others, albeit strangers. I now have and have had a newly formed relationship with my father (past 7 years or so) Aired out the dirty laundry with him, etc. All in all, not bad.

Problem: Depressed constantly. Mood swings constantly. Have tried a few anti-depressants, some worked, some didnt. I am obsessive-compulsive with cleaning, organizing, straightening stuff out, etc. I have to be busy all the time. If I slow down, my mind "takes over" so to speak and drowns me with constant depressing thoughts. Makes the regular worries in life exponentially worse. (money, etc.) Quick to anger, and yet I feel constantly sad. Feel like I have no respect from wife and every time that I ask to talk with her because of something on my mind, I am made to feel like its not important and I should just 'man-up" and deal with it. I go out of way for everyone, and yet so unappreciated do I feel.

Theres more, but I am sure that whomever started to read all this either quit long ago, or wished they had. So I digress. I appreciate any input. Thanks.