Hello,
I stopped the night time dose of Wellburtin 100 SR. I just want to see if I can sleep. It still took me 3 hours to fall asleep. I walk the floor-I want to be tired when I do go to bed. I have tried drinking warm milk-watched T.V. in the living room. I did not put a T.V. in the bedroom because I would stay awake all night if I did. I do sleep an hour only to get up again. The dreams I have do not help things. I wake with the nightmares. I told my family that I was thinking of seeing a psych. doctor because of my medication. Wow-did I get a reaction. I was told I did not need a psych doctor. My doctor can adjust my medications. I had all types of questions about being depressed. They do not think I need the doctor. I put on a face for everyone because I have lived with depression for so long. I am alive but don't feel like anything is fun now. I am 50 years old and don't really need their input on what I do with my life.
Last week my ex-brother-in-law cut his throat, wrists, and upper arms trying to kill himself. My youngest sister saved his life by wrapping something around his neck. The doctors sewed him up and stated that he only had seconds to live. Three days later they sent him home-no psych. meds. My sister and my ex-brother-in-law still live together. He had meth. in his system. I don't know if that is why they did not send him to the psych. hospital. We were all in shock about what he did. I don't know anything about street drugs-what I don't understand-why the doctors did not place him in a 72 hour hold at the hospital. He is very abusive to my sister-yet she called what he had done-an accident. I told her it was no accident. If she wants to call it an accident to make her feel better that is up to her. I know when I was with my abusive ex-boyfriend-I did not call it an accident but I also did not call it an attempt at suicide. I developed pneumonia from choking on my vomit. I told my family I was in the hospital for pneumonia. They still do not know what I did. I also was not put in the psych. hospital at the time. I did some fast talking about being better-won't do it again-just so I did not have to let anyone know. My ex-boyfriend was the only one who knew. It was just too hard to mention to anyone. I wish the doctor did tell me I had to go into the psych. hospital then. I might have gotten away sooner from the ex-boyfriend.
I deal with depression everyday-yet I get out of bed-don't really want to-go to a friends house-visit family-put on a fake smile-like everything is okay. I think of death so many times it seems like O.C.D. I even look up ways of dying-what is quick-what is not. I do remember a quote a nurse at one of the psych. hospitals had said-many times-"Suicide is not an option. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!"I try to remind my self everyday this quote. Here is another quote that I don't know where I heard it from but it fits my life. "Smile and the world smiles with you-cry and you cry alone." I try to find a reason to wake up each day but it is so hard to go on when the fun is out of my life. Thank you for everyone's help. I have been reading up on sleep and the meds I take. I am going to the library tomorrow to find the book. Take care, Cathy