I need to talk, but I don't even know what to say, where to start, etc. I know I won't get everything out here, but I need to say something.

First of all, I think I should note that I am not really suicidal. I am not planning on killing myself. I am actually afraid of dying and have had more than one panic attack over it in the past year or so. With that said, I casually think sometimes, that maybe it's all there is left to do, because I don't feel like I have any purpose in living, and I don't think I'll ever change. I am worthless. But I won't kill myself because I'm scared, and because I know that isn't the right thing to do, either (I can't be helpful dead, either), and because I don't want to hurt or leave loved ones.

I am already almost too emotionally drained to even finish this, but I will try to continue. Lately, everyone thinks it's funny to point out what a loser life I have, how I do nothing, etc. They think it's funny, "Oh, that's just Locust, we're just making light....."- BUT it isn't funny. And it's not, just me. There is another part of me and she's dying in here. She doesn't see the light of day very much. She's shriveled up and locked away, and miserable. And it's so far from funny............. And I just feel like they are laughing at my sad situation, and my short comings, and my pain...and my failure.... and rubbing my nose in it. It's like I've been destroying my life, sabotaging myself, and I HATE myself, partially for the very things they are joking about, and lately these things have been bothering me more than usual, and then to go out with family and have them throw it in my face...... *sighs*

I am worthless. I self sabotage to a degree that is pathological and smacks of mental illness. The same is true for self sabotage's sidekick, procrastination. I have screwed myself over in almost every area- school, work, finances, passions and dreams (including hobbies and volunteer work), health/beauty, and somewhat in relationships. I have rendered myself worthless, useless, etc. I have worked hard at making my life pointless. While I think it's great to "be yourself", generally speaking, there is something in me that is handicapping everything good in me, and I want it destroyed. It is a sickness. It is an evil. I KNOW this is largely my own fault and I need to take responsibility and kick my butt in gear. I do blame myself. But I still think I am sick. Procrastination is a choice, as is self sabotage, BUT when you do it like I do, you are mentally ill. You have to be, don't you? I don't even understand my own actions and lack of actions. I don't understand the motivation.

I feel like a loser, a failure, a monster, a terrible person, and a waste of life. I am not only my own enemy.... but I do no good for anyone or anything else. I do the opposite, often times. I am a bad person- bottom line. Everyone sees me for what I am eventually. And here I sit, feeling sorry for myself. I don't deserve pity. I don't deserve respect. Let alone love.

I feel like I have wasted all the potential I actually had. I feel like I'll never amount to anything now. One of my passions is writing, and I feel like I am mediocre at best, and sometimes, I feel I am embarassingly bad. I will never amount to anything in that area or any other. Sometimes now, when I start to write, I get overwhelmed, because I know what I write is going to suck. However, I do take joy in writing, often times- I just suck at it. I have messed up school. IF I can manage to get money to go back, I wonder what the point of going even is, anymore. Why get a job to help me survive if I can't do something I care about, and if nothing else in my life is going to go well? I have messed up work. I've messed up-period. Wasted, everything's wasted.

I sabotaged everything in my life, practically. And I'm very stuck in life. I want to do something about it, but honestly, I have no motivation. My drive is dead. And everytime I try to do something, I either sabotage myself, or I have no energy to begin, or I lose the energy and stop dead, or else....I feel too emotionally overwhelmed to begin. When my motivation does pick up, I must do something immediately, or I'll lose it again before I get the chance to do anything with it. If I do something, it fuels my drive, but if I lose momentum at any point, it's gone, completely. Usually, I can recharge somehow, or when I get started it drives me a bit, but lately, even these things aren't working as well. I feel like I am so stuck in life, it's as if my life is already over in a way. Whenever I feel I am going to get somewhere, the drive, the change, dies down for awhile.

I feel terrible for not doing more volunteer work, and work with the causes I care about and am involved with. What kind of worthless person am I? And how could I do this to the causes I care about? I feel like I'm a huge part of the problem. How can I stand idly by? Yet, when I think about what's going on with my causes sometimes, or read up on the newest developments, I feel emotionally overwhelmed, anxious, etc. My chest hurts. I need to do more, but it's so overwhelming sometimes and it literally pains me to think about what's happening, but that's all the more reason to do something more about it! I was talking to someone recently about how they felt so overwhelmed and hopeless it was hindering their ability to actually be active and help. This is how I feel. More overwhelmed than hopeless, though, I guess, though I feel hopeless about a lot.

Sometimes I feel like there is something good in me, but the bad just blots it out, overwhelms it, hinders it, and leaves it dead in the water, or negates it, or worse. There is a part of me that renders the good part of me worthless and even eclipses it completely sometimes. Worse, yet, perhaps, there is another part of me that isn't just worthless- she's evil. I used to think I could get rid of her, but she's just there, always there. Always me. I can't be a truly good person with her inside of me, but she's not going anywhere, except, perhaps, to hibernate.

I thought I was becoming a better person. I was wrong. It was illusion. It was BS. I know what I am now. And if I haven't changed, if I cannot change, then there is no forgiveness. I hurt everyone. I realize, too, all these tears I cry these days- they're just the result of some hormonal or chemical imbalance. It's not my heart showing. Couldn't be that. I should have known better.

The stagnation thing.....and the self sabotage....it has been this way for years. I feel I can't change. I feel worthless- of no use to anyone or anything, lazy, and selfish. Just around to drain the world and everyone around me. I deserve no respect. I am a waste of life. I've wasted my potential. I feel overwhelmed, anxious, lethargic, when I try to do anything. I can't seem to concentrate anymore. I am also depressed about getting older and have a birthday this month. Oh joy. I am also a monster. A terrible person. I make everyone love me less, eventually. Just give me awhile. I'll show you I'm worthless and apathetic, going nowhere- or worse, that I'm angry, selfish, cold hearted, and evil.

I have been holding it in lately, too, which is unlike me. For the most part, I've been biting my tongue these days. I don't hang out as much with my friends. I don't call them a lot, either. I'm not pretending to be okay- I'm just not talking about not being okay. My friends have a lot of their own issues and I don't want to burden them. I also think, who wants to be around someone who is such a bummer? People like to be around people who make them happy and share fun times with them. And I think, they feel so bad already, if I talk about how I feel, it'll only make them feel worse. I also feel I need to act somewhat optimistic, because they are so down themselves. I can't just echo back, "Yeah I feel hopeless, too." There are also other reasons why I'm just not talking about it.

I feel insecure with people now. Sure they don't enjoy time with me, are constantly judging me, though they don't say so. Everyone is going to like me less eventually. It's all a matter of noticing when it occurs. I thought about seeing my T, but he will just say I'm fine, I have a brain, I have potential, now go use it. Period.