After responding to Tree's thread about self-care a lot came up for me. These awful, deep feelings that keep me stuck in either subtle self-hatred or even behaviors that are more overtly self-hating.

I am unworthy of love, I am no one, who cares about me, eveyone else is more important, I am selfish, I should shut-up, I should go away, I should make myself disappear, I dont matter, my body doesnt matter, dont compete with me or I'll kill you, you (I) should be destroyed, you are selfish to need anything, caring in this world is for other people, not for you, you are here to make everyone else happy, food is dangerous, food is for other people to enjoy, my body is dangerous, I have no power, I have too much power, I am not capable, other people know better, I will always make a mistake, my judgement is not to be trusted, I am sick and crazy, I dont belong in this world, I dont belong in my skin, fun is for other people, shut up and dont laugh, be quiet, dont show you are here, anger is dangerous, sadness is dangerous, happiness is dangeorus, never feel hurt or you'll feel more hurt, you are too selfish to enjoy anyone or anything, enjoyment is indulgent, I ought to be ashamed of myself for thinking I deserve what other, real people have, no one will love who you really are, no one will ever undertand how you really feel, I am unworthy of loving touch, that is for real people, I am a fake.

How can I move on with all of this going on in some way? I can overcompensate for these feelings- I know how to make friends, look decent, act "as if", have a husband and family, get an eduction, just generally live a life, but behind all of this "life" is a deep feeling of being unworthy of it all and being a fake. I also, like Tree, cant consistently believe the positives about myself for any real length of time. All of the deep, childhood messages I was given verbally, but I think very much non-verbally and very, very young are living inside of me.

As I said, it is what keeps me stuck and fearful of moving on.