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Nov 04, 2009, 12:06 PM
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Member Since: Feb 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,611
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(((((Chris))))))  You have each moment, each hour of your life right now and what you decide to enjoy in it: a walk with your dog, looking at a sunset, watching a favorite tv program, listening to music you enjoy, giving a smile to another lonely looking person you see in the grocery store, feeling how good your bed feels while you lay in it, talking with friends here at PC.
It sounds like you are in the depths of your depression right now. That is not an easy time, but it will pass. During those times is when I keep my life as simple as possible, my goals very simple.
I just came through a very bad bout of suicidal depression that lasted for almost a year. Honestly I was lucky to make it through another one. And I know that it could happen again at any time. But each time I survive one it helps me to remember that these horrible depressions do pass - if I keep doing what ever I need to do to stay alive that hour, that day. So while I take meds and go to therapy during those times I also do the simple things I talked about above. I do what ever makes me feel a bit better. If it's staying in bed that day because I can't bear the effort it would take to get out of bed, that's what I do.
If it's getting out for a walk every day that's what I do. If it's isolating from people because I find them too stressing, that's what I do. Right now, while I'm feeling better I enjoy it and don't worry about when the next bout of depression will hit me or how long it will last. Sometimes I'll have one really bad day. Sometimes a week or two and sometimes it goes on and on for months.
Giving up the hope of living my life depression free, (pain free, anxiety free) has released me to accept and enjoy what IS. What is here right now that I can take pleasure from or that will give me meaning in my life this moment.
My track record of hospitalizations and suicide attempts does not bode well for me. And yet going through all that has helped me live better in my life circumstances as I've adjusted to and accepted my chronic illnesses. Keeping up hope for a "normal" life was simply making me more depressed by focusing on what was not going to happen for me.
I find living in reality and dealing with what is works best for me. As I think it also helps some others. Not everyone is the same. Some people are happier to keep hoping. If that's what helps them, or you, then most certainly that's what you should do. I'm simply saying it does not work that way for me, and offering my experience to others. Please take care of yourself Chris.
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