((((((Locust))))))) Self sabotage can be based in a lot of things that are linked to depression. A fear of success, because you don't think you will be able to deal with the expectations or risks of succeeding at something is the most common.
I kow also that I tend to do badly and sabotage myself because I try to maintain a pace or a production level which is unrealiztic and, in short, doomed to failure because there is no way I can maintain it. Then the anxiety and exhaustion start to take over and I start making excuses, procrastinating, making bad judgement calls... Yoou can see where this is going. The byzantine is right, and I think it would be a good idea if you could really focus on this pattern you have when you get a better T. It doens't make you a monster, crap or evil. It means you're depressed and very likely very demanding of yourself. Give yourself a break, dear. You sound like a caring, sensitive person who deserves one badly