Rainbow, your post made me want to cry. I have fantasies about wanting to start over, especially now that I am closer to the real story of what went on in my early life.
No one that I know, I think, would really suspect how much or deep the hatred is that I have for myself. Or how I feel so lacking in ablility. But I feel more in touch now with my true feelings, the ones that keep me paralysed.

I want to try the mirror exercise, but I am afraid it will make me cry.

Farmergirl- I like the idea of journaling the beliefs. I wrote down in my journal some of the things I posted. I think if I bring these feelings up with ftt, a lot will come up. It sort of scsres me to do it, afraid I will shut down or dissociate when I go there.

Rapunzel- I want to say that I got some PMs from people about God and the role of God in how I feel about myself. It seems so clear to me that I would be as valuable as other people, the creatures of the earth, the moon and the stars. I would be devaluing myself unnecessarily. One day I can believe in God, and the next I dont. I have so many reasons to believe, but can think of so many not to believe. I have been intimately involved with religion at different times in my life, but even that confuses me as I find truth in them all and why should there be such differences? You'd think I was a kid from the sound of this, but I think my exploration into God and religion has left me, at this stage, in confusion. If I am so important to God, why do I suffer? But then, for all of my suffering, I was blessed with husband and these amazing children. I had my children older, I was really blessed to be able to conceive. Or is it just some genetic coincidence?

Barbi- I loved the quote from Louise Hay. I was deserving of love at this one point in time and it makes me want to cry that I am still that lovable baby.

SAWE- Im sorry my post made you sad. It would make me sad if someone else wrote it. These beliefs come from this deep place where I must have so much hurt and devastation. It must be, because when I think about it intellectually, I would say I dont deserve this. But when I feel it, I am all emotion and those beliefs are there. And they do a lot of contolling of my life on a level I am only vaguely aware of.