I have often wondered about the correlation of spirit and mental health and the way that one influences the other. I have had friends irl with chronic depression that cannot lift, despite all sorts of treatment. I have friends irl say to me after years of batting disabling mental illness, “Who am I?”. “Where have I gone?”, “How do I love?”. “Who loves me?”…….”Why do I feel so tired, so worthless, so afraid?”

And I have spent the last few years studying this conundrum and trying to understand the mind/ body relationship with science and instilling some of my own returned faith in the process. So as much as I would like to believe it can all be explained by science and our ever-loving and competent therapists, I have found much to my suspicion, that it cannot. It has been a terrifying and exhilarating process, to say the least. I have delved in to places where I have feared to tread in my own powerful and analytical mind, and hesitantly allowed my brain to sort at random, like a computer routinely sorting zero’s and ones’s in binary majesty, to unlock the code……..the code that explains the spirit.

Spirit – (as defined by Collins English Dictionary)….1. The force or principle of life that animates the body of living things.

Mental Disorder – (in England, according to the Mental Health Act) Mental illness, arrested or incomplete development of mind, psychopathic disorder, or any other disorder or disability of the mind.

They couldn’t be further removed from each other. One speaks of the law, and one speaks of LIFE…….so how do we merge these seemingly polar opposites? I am sure that most people will say ”That definition of mental disorder is SO offensive, I will not even speak its name. It does not even come close to how I am feeling or the terror and uncertainty I experience…PAH!!”. And I totally agree…….but the definition of spirit resounds, doesn’t it? Somewhere, inside us that meaning, means something to ALL of us, even if we do not recognise it on the surface……for we are all human, not law subjects.

Despite my therapists intelligence, knowledge and wonderful healing skills, they have never really discussed the meaning of spirit, or what my spirit means to me. They do not ask me how my sprit is, or how did my spirit feel when this/that happened. They only relate to me therapeutically on a cognitive level. And lets face it, they are not spiritual advisers, they are cognitive advisors and I love them for that. Cognitive intervention along with generous doses of psychotropics has saved my life many a time, and I am forever grateful for that. But when all of that has moved on due to maturity, wisdom, life skills and life changes, what then? Where do we go? How do we manage? How do we HEAL? And how do we face the fear of uncertainty, when things we have relied on in the past to get us through, to change our behaviour and help us to function, don’t work as well?

Well, my answer is, we return to spirit. The spirit that we have always had. Some may call our survival, fortuitous, lucky, resilient, courageous, brave in the face of adversity……yada yada…..not so important in the throes of a psychotic episode(I can attest to that) when all we experience is agonising torment and fear. I never felt brave or resilient then! So WHAT did get me through? I believe that my spirit got me through (I am not deliberately leaving out faith here……that is another story for another forum). My poor, misbegotten, frail, resilient spirit……..so when someone asks me “Who is the best friend you have ever had, that loves you unconditionally and without tiring?”……My spirit, of course.

So, I went on a painful and exhilarating journey of my spirit. I try to give my spirit the platform it deserves. I ask my spirit to forgive me for all the times I ignored it and treated it like a dirty floor to throw all my anger, angts and retribution on. And no, it is not easy. Sometimes it feels harder than all the therapy, meds and hospital visits put together. And I am certainly not out of the woods yet. So if you think that all I am saying is a bunch of doo doo, feel free to express that. But I ask for your kindness and compassion, for I am still a novice, looking expectantly and imploringly to my spirit for guidance through this rocky terrain……that we all share.

Just some of my musings this day……..so to you, my friend reading this, may your day move with stillness, may you dance a jig like no-one is watching, may you find a moment of joy in the way the early morning dew sparkles on a spiders web and ………despite it all, love anyway……..that is my greatest wish for you. Lets all do it together…….

In stillness,

Michah
PS (a shout out to a friend who unknowingly inspired me to put pen to paper…..thank you)